Cody

[disclaimer] This post is all about ME, unlike many of my other posts where I try to have a moral, and an ending that makes you think this is just a rant nothing more.  A rant about me, and what I would like to see… sorry, most the time I keep on track but for today, not so much. [/disclaimer]

I had a bit of an interesting weekend. Well more so funny than interesting, and definitely not in a bad way. I’m still not sure exactly how everybody knows when I get ready to make a move, but it’s not so surprising when I do. Maybe things just work in time cycles for me, and people have gotten used to them, or I show outwardly what I’m feeling inside more so than I’d like to admit. However it is that everyone knows, everybody knows that I’m unhappy and ready to start a fight. I guess it’s not necessarily that I’m unhappy or anything, just get bored easily…. and of course I don’t get along with many people so it’s easy to get me going, plus working for other people just doesn’t work for me. Anyways, what is spurring this is that this weekend I got asked by two different people to go into business with them! Now at first I was a bit puzzled, being that one likes to call me lazy for trying to run my own business’ and constantly tells me to get a “job” the other knows that I’ve NEVER been successful at any kind of business that I’ve run despite several endeavors over the years. Thing is I’m ready to take Tiana up on her offer of opening a tea house, if I had the resources I would do so right now… and even though 1 year is an early time frame of taking a business from the planning boards to physical operations I’d really like to push the envelope to 4 months from now. Of course that is mostly due to the fact that in 4 months I won’t have a job and don’t really want to go get some petty job to fill in the gap… although, since I’m getting serious about this I should get a job somewhere like starsucks just to get into the industry. Thing is I can’t work two jobs and expect to be able to research and write any kind of legit business report (not to mention designing and maintaining 4 different websites right now).

Oddly enough the way that I knew I was ready for a move to start fighting for my own business was because of my “girl situation” if you can even call it that. Those of you that know me, know that I thrive in ultra high stress environments. For example, in high school I never did a single homework assignment… that’s right… not one. I was a good enough test taker that I could pass classes by doing classwork from time to time and pass all my tests… thing is that put the stress on that I HAD to pass every test with at least a 95% or higher or I would fail the class, to some this always seemed foolish, but it honestly is the ONLY way that I could ever make it through most classes… ultra high stress situations bring the best work out of me. Even though I work best when the heat is on I’m still a very comfort based person… if that makes any sense. You see, when working stress is great for me, often times I use my OCD to put extra stress on myself (things like deadlines, and any kind of numbers, one thing about my OCD is I love numbers such as at LifeTouch they keep track of Pages Per Hour which is perfect for me because I can access that and put extra stress on myself to keep those numbers as high as possible). Stressful situations keep me moving, keep me alert, and get the wheels turning so I produce the most creative amazing things you could ever imagine… unfortunately high stress environments do bad things to my already insomniac lifestyle. I can not sleep when my mind is turning and things are running at 150% there’s always a new idea, a new plan, a new toy, something can always be done… often times I will work 50-60 hours in a row until the project is off the ground and just completely burn myself out. This is one of my biggest problems with starting a business, I will spend 3 months sleeping a total of 30 hours a month and build one of the most ingenious, creative, just plain cool business/sites you could ever hope for then crash and never visit the idea again. Part of the problem is that ever business has the 3 month slump, that is when you start a new business there are 1,000 things to do after 3 months you can generally have that all done… but that doesn’t mean you’ve got customers yet. For the most part it takes a full year to build a good client base, and since the first 3 months you’ve been working on actually getting the business ready for business unless someone else has been working in the foreground getting a client base you’ve got nothing at the 3 month point… which is what I’m not good at, I can keep going at an insane rate for as long as needs be… but as soon as the workload goes away, I’m done. Which then brings me back to the “girl situation” a big lose, lose conundrum for the Cody. As many of you know I’m a very physical person, love giving/getting hugs, love being close to someone, and I love having someone to take care of. Problem with this is that having someone to be close to is a huge stress reliever for me, which makes taking on the extreme workload of starting a new business impossible. The thing is I know how I’m built, and where all my weaknesses lie. Most the time when I’m up late hours thinking about a project and the wheels are turning from the stresses of the day there is no productivity going on, only insomnia. The ideal situation for me would be to have a girlfriend when I’m starting a business so that I don’t crash so much at the 3 month period… unfortunately this would have to be a VERY unique situation that most people don’t get, and I have a hard time verbalizing. The only way that it would work is if I had 8-12 hours during the day (depending upon how on fire I am at the time) to work, then have the opportunity to hang out with said girl at random times later at night to just watch a movie, go to a park walking around hand in hand, lay on the hood of a car outside the airport watching the planes land…. something of that nature to calm my nerves so I could sleep at night. Things like this have never worked for me though, because to ask something of the such is far too selfish and I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I understand that when you’re dating someone who is home all day it’s easy to say that they’re not doing anything and want to hang out… I know I would. For the most part it seems harmless, but when I get thrown off track you may as well forget about me working, especially if my stress level goes down. Every once in a while it’s fine, but after so many times it always ends the same with me freaking out about not getting anything done, but unable to say anything for the fear of being selfish until I push everyone away going into seclusion. This is one big reason as to why I like to sabotage myself on the front of people I like before anything could ever go anywhere. Any time something comes up such as the business proposition from Tiana I always start to like someone, or someones. This time I was just more aware of it, and it was one of the big reasons I knew that I was ready for this undertaking. God programed this thing in me to help balance me out because the only way that getting anything running for me would work is if I have high stress to keep me going, and someone close to destress with. Anyways, this weekend my mind went back to Rachel… which was somewhat odd. After having the week to consider it I finally figured things out. The only other person that I really can say that I “like” right now would be Brenna, who by the way lives in Montana (even only visiting once a week or so would soon become a very costly endeavor). So just for entertainment sake, and so I had something to obsess about my mind regurgitated someone that I’ve only met once but at least lives close enough that if by some crazy coincidence we might be able to hang out again. Of course thinking of her is something completely selfish, because I don’t want someone to date unless the fully understand the situation, and show obvious, strong Christian beliefs. I only met Rachel once, but that was enough… generally I’m a very good judge of character, and along with that I can spot someone who’s more physical like myself from a mile away. When I met Rachel I was kind of in the same situation as now (maybe another reason my mind is regurgitating) and went to the school musical which she was in. Kenna invited me to the movie party, and I wasn’t about to resist. Rachel’s a very pretty girl, and after watching her for a short time it was obvious that she was a kinetic learner type of person. Through a completely random and unplanned series of events (yeah right) I ended up with the opportunity to sit by her and kind of snuggle close and put my arm around her. Even though after this point not one word was exchanged between us it was probably the greatest moments I’ve had in the last couple of years. I’ve gone on other dates with people and not felt so much of a connection as I did with Rachel, which is another big reason why my mind kind of wanders back to her. This is where the sabotage comes in though, I know that I don’t have any way of contacting her, and it has been long enough that who knows what her situation is now. Not to mention she’s 15, which of course age has never been an issue for me, but I would most definitely go to jail for even thinking about dating her
I’ve always wanted to date someone who I could also work with, but even that would take someone very special.  I mean sure I’ve worked with people I could fool around with, but those are the Kenna’s and Anna’s who I could hug and be close to, but could also push away and have no feelings for when I needed to get things done.  Yes I am a selfish person if you’re wondering.  In order for either to work I really need to find someone that I do care about, but understands my need to work and can help without interfering… that’s where I’ve run into problems before…

I’m most certainly ready to test the odds again… but that fear still resides in me that things won’t work out because I’ll just go, and go, and go until I burn out… hopefully going into the project with two friends who are equally interested, and invested will keep things going without my “expertise” or they’ll be able to go during my low times.

Thank the Lord Almighty for Kansas… You know there is just some music that puts you in certain moods, Kansas is a band that does that for me. (And yes Brenna, I still do hate the state even though I’ve had to travel through it a hundred times, my cousin lives there and I visit him often, and one of my favoritest bands is from there… I still hate the state itself). I know today was supposed to be all good and everything, but with everyone trying to make things “fun” it was nothing shy of stressful. I’m not much of a person for doing stuff… I really would prefer to stay home curl up on the couch and watch movies, or play a few hundred rounds of CoH with Jordan since with the job and the site projects I’ve had ZERO time to do so anymore, plus he’s got to be at work by 4am and the way things work out is he gets home from work 2 hours before me, then takes a nap, I get home he’s up and ready to go… I’m not… so I take a short nap, by the time I’m up he’s already done a ton of work on his new site and is ready to mellow out for the night… So Kansas puts me in a very mellow mood, which is much needed after being pulled here and there all day long. Not to mention there were several conversations that do nothing but anger me had today. Don’t ask me why but Brook was brought up several times today one time because my mom was going to get me new headphones for my comp since Brook broke my $80 5.1 surround sound beauties that have amazing sound quality! Yeah, thinking about it doesn’t make me any happier… oh, and Brook & his friend Matt were over here “wasting time” while they wait for the poker game to start watching video’s on MY COMPUTER!!! for the only 3 hours that I was home today when I planned on working on the youth groups website, but no I couldn’t get to the computer because they were “wasting time” while they waited for there buds to get everything together. Then the uh… *caugh* one who broke my $80 headphones (oh, and by the way did I mention that I paid $80 for absolutely the best 5.1 surround sound headphones on the market and only got to use them for 1 month because *caugh* someone broke them?) had the AUDACITY to complain about the fact that all we had were headphones so they both couldn’t listen to the sound on the videos at the same time… well guess what, I built the computer FOR ME! and my needs… I do 2 things, gaming, and building websites… gaming you must have headphones because you can hear people to the left and right of you and actually know better where other people are, or if you’ve got 5.1 surround sound headphones you can hear the EXACT location of that person (say left rear of you) and it gives you a huge advantage… building websites is usually done between the time frame of 12am and 3am (gotta sleep some time before going to work) where I like to listen to music and keep myself preoccupied… well others are trying to sleep so it’s best to have headphones. If you want speakers why don’t you buy some? I mean you can get a pair of computer speakers for $30 at Circuit City (but please, wait until after you replace my Turtle Beache’s… thanks…).

Now, I’m FINALLY working on the youthgroup website and I created this really cool fall EFX where the words drop in from above and fade as they do starting at 50% then moving to 100% oppacity so they fall and fade along with a slight blur EFX looks really cool and smooth you know? When published into flash and put on the site it falls… and that’s it… so I’m thinking, wow the compression REALLY screwed this thing up, no more compression for this intro. Republish it without the compression. This time it’s much better because now not only does it fall but it’s 5 times the size as it was before… but still no fade or blur effects… ok… why not? Fine fine… frame by frame it is (the tweens have a real problem with fade sometimes) frame by frame takes FOREVER to do but you can create stuff that is nothing shy of amazing, it’s how most of the stuff on my banner is done… it’s the only way most of the stuff on my banner CAN be done. I spent several hours meticulously recreating everything frame by frame (15 frames per second each one has to be edited individually… don’t ask how long it is… it’s about half the time of my banner but still). After this whole process I publish it and breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the banner for the first time and the text falls at 100% oppacity ah, success… wait? What? No… that’s not possible…. I just frame by framed that… I know tween’s have a problem with oppacity but ANYTHING done frame by frame should be exactly that… frame… by… freaking frame. Well, I did the lightning in seperate movies, and it is the only thing that really uses a quick fade EFX that wasn’t done frame by frame (it’s also the only way to use tween’s and do multiple things at once). So here we go again… recreating the same thing, just this time the one text box is contained into 3 seperate movies one that controls fall, one that controls fade, and one that controls blur. Guess what it does when I publish it… that’s right… it falls… because I was just kidding about wanting it to fade or blur… I mean when I added the blur effect, and when I set each frame up at a different oppacity level I was REALLY just doing so for fun, because it looks so much better without the two…

In short, always keep a mellow, happy, and fun CD for destressing.

Oh yeah… and “Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you’re done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more.”

If you like to go to movies where you leave with only the highest respect for everyone involved, and during quiet times every person in the packed theatre is on the edge of their seats dead silent anxiously awaiting the next line; I have the movie you must see.  This weekend I went to see one of the greatest stories of stories to hit theatres in some time.  When I say stories of stories I don’t mean to sound like a movie announcer saying this will be “the movie of all movies” or “an epic adventure to dwarf all other adventures” no, I truly mean that this is a story of stories.  Most definitely the best way that this particular event in history could ever be shown.  When thinking about WWII some of the biggest thoughts that come to mind are atrocities, and heroism.  It’s peculiar how those to go hand in hand, but when you think about it, how can we have any heroes without others atrocity?  In order to save a life it must first be in danger.

The Japanese believed that when we landed on their homeland we would rule them as the British had during their colonization days.  It was because of this that even after being defeated they still dug in, and they still fought to the last man, the last round, often even ending their own life in avoidance of an uncertain future.  What makes a hero?   I’ll never forget the words of Clarion who first put into perspective for me four years ago what it was to be a patriot.  “You know, in the end treason is a matter of dates, I shall be the patriot and you the traitor when the Emperor returns.”  I’m sure that most of you automatically assume that the heroes of WWII would be the American Rangers who willingly put themselves in danger to save people from countries that they had never seen before.  Letters From Iwo Jima puts a different spin on things, not saying that the efforts of American soldiers who fought and died to save a world in turmoil were fruitless, but there is always another side to battle.  One of the more prominent characters in Letters From Iwo Jima said at one point in time “I always believed that the American soldiers were savages, cold, without care for others, I believed these things because I was taught to, but hearing the words of that soldiers mother they’re just like my mothers words.  Maybe we’ve been fighting for the wrong reasons, maybe everything we’ve been told is a lie.  What if they’re just fighting to defend their families as well.”  This was said by one of the Japanese soldiers after their captain read a letter from an American soldiers mother the soldier had been wounded and cared for, though, ended up dying.   Letters From Iwo Jima is actually a compilation of stories from letters found on the island of Iwo Jima many years after the fact, stories written by the Japanese soldiers who bravely fought to defend their families.  The “main” story is of one of the 1,000 surviving Japanese soldiers who was sent off to war as a duty to his country, not meeting his daughter until she was a year old and the war was over.  Of the 21,000 Japanese soldiers defending the small island only 1,000 survived, if only it could be communicated another way that we were not there to conquer.

Have you ever fought for the wrong reasons?  Even unknowingly so, when you came to the realization that your fight was fruitless, or you were hindering the success of those that fought for freedom did you let stuborness get in the way?  Have you ever been your own worst enemy?  What would you feel like if you knew that the one you saw as a threat was actually trying to set you free?

Originally this was simply supposed to be a post about the new movie Letters From Iwo Jima, but I can’t help but pull amazing life lessons from the situation.  My main reason for writing this post in fact was to tell the story of one of the soldiers, and his struggles.  That is where the title comes from, I’ve gone on long enough so I won’t tell the story, you’ll have to watch the movie for yourself.  I will say to you though, that the underlying theme of the entire movie, most impacting of myself this particular story is the idea of “Doing what is right, because it is right.”  Remember that even under extreme circumstances, in extreme ways, with pressure from all sides you still have the choice to do what is right among atrocities.

And do you know why it’s a happy Thursday?  Why yes, you are correct, because it rhymes with happy birthday!!!! (I don’t know, but it may just be a random coincidence, might be that they both end in day too though.)  Yeah, yeah, I know all of the people who read this already knew this was coming (all of the five, yup, gone up in class I’ve got five regular readers now). I don’t ever start getting excited about my birthday until this day, February first, my mommies birthday.  Then I know that mine is coming up in a little under a week and a half.  So you all had better have my presents already *glares* if not, you’ve only got 10 more days so ya better get a move on.  Jordan’s already got a present for me, heck he even told me what it is which is cool and all, but honestly I’m really not a very big present kind of person.  I mean if you do get me something that’s fine, I won’t deny you the right to give me a present.  In reality if you want me to know you love me, come give me a hug cux then I’ll be all I wovez huggles.  A big part in why I don’t like presents very much is my obsession with quality.  It truly is an obsession too, one of my many OCD traits.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten many great gifts from friends of mine, things that normally wouldn’t be of much value to me but I cherish simply because of whom it came from.  There are times though, that people try to get me something that would be useful (since I’m a big person on useful stuff… not huge on the toy, nick-nack type stuff…) such as computer hardware.  I’m only using computer hardware as an example, but I’ve had similar situations with jewelry tools as well.  I’ve only received computer hardware once as a gift, and that was when I first started building my own computers 4 years ago not knowing much about what made a computer “good” I would of taken anything.  Now if someone wanted to get me computer hardware as a present you’d better know my system, you’d better know what kind of work I do and what things I notice when they’re not running smoothly, you also have to be ready to spend quite a bit.  There are really only two ways to get something for me computer related since most of my stuff is the highest performance stuff on the market.  Either ask me directly what I need for my next upgrade and pick from the list of $400 items that you may be splitting the bill with a few other people… or get me something small that I don’t have, and I wouldn’t necessarily get for myself such as a USB flash drive.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a very materialistic person, I have very few things, but what I do have is the best, and it will last me.  Another example is my shoes, I only wear RedWings.  When I was working at Wal-Mart one of the guys I worked with found out that I paid in the upwards of $200 for my boots, because I had told someone else.  He approached me one day and was like “Why in the world would you ever pay so much for a pair of shoes” I just kind of looked down to see what he was wearing then replied with “How much did you pay for your pretty new Nike’s?” “Around $80 or something like that” he sheepishly responded “And how long do they usually last for you?”  “I get at least a years worth of use out of them.”  At which I smiled and snickered “Ok, let me see if I can make this clear to you, you have just admitted to paying more than double what I paid for my shoes.”  “what?  I thought so-and-so said you paid $200 for your boots.”  “Yes, and that is correct.  Then thing is your pretty new shoes will last you a year, and there is no option for repair since they’re made of cheap foam that is glued to faux leather.  My boots are made of high quality European leather sewn to a sole made of hard wood and rubber, which can be repaired if needs be.  Not to mention under normal wear and tear with no conditioning these will last 3 years, with obsessive care and conditioning as the way I do you can easily push 5 years.”  After my explanation he still didn’t get it, but that’s not the point.  I take the philosophy of longevity, and quality over quantity any day.  So the moral of the story, give Cody a hug before you give him a present.