A journaling away
Ok… so I’ve not really organized my thoughts in any way shape or form… but I’m going to publish this as is because that was the original plan… and I’m not going to get any time where I feel like working that I don’t need to be working on my website anyways. Some items of note, first off most of this was simply a guided journal while out in the wild (so to speak) alone, with only the company of God, and Wild at Heart the book I took with me. It’s evident that I was very impacted by the book Wild at Heart, but highly doubt that I would of been if it weren’t for the crossroad that I am facing, and the reason I took the trip. So much of this comes from reading a couple of paragraphs and then me going off and writing my own thing of thoughts and ideas that were spurred while reading. The other thing of note is that I got the idea at some point that I should share some of my journey experiences with the church… actually get my journal in order and ask Jim if I could share my experience from the trip… I still like the idea, and may still do so, but much of that depends upon the response I get from you guys, I know that much of what is said in here is God speaking to me… my question to you is do I share my testimony with those beyond my small circle of friends, or is it more just relevant to me, and maybe some other guys… does it impact you at all? Or is it just a journal from one man in a “you’d have to be there” sort of fashion? Obviously there is a great deal of organization needed… if I were to share this my day 1 entry would be one of the concluding thoughts… even though it worked well as an opener for me at the time. Also please excuse the grammatical errors… I generally look at the screen while I’m typing and easily spot things, but I’ll be staring at the notebook the whole time typing as fast as I can so there will be many mistakes since I don’t stop to fix anything until it’s done… and I hate proofreading so it will mostly be what is marked for spelling errors that is fixed 
Day 1
I cam expecting God to do miraculous things with this trip. I came expecting to be invited into homes & impact lives. I came expecting to be fed with manna from heaven (so to speak) and my thirst quenched by endless springs. I found something else instead; I found my heart. I found where my heart resides, and it has put my soul at ease that I may share it with Jesse and her two beautiful children. Thank you God! Thank you for my heart.
Day 2
Morning: I am awoken to the chirping of birds and soft patter of droplets sliding off the leaves my body feels restored, and I can begin again, in need of a clean water source however.
2pm: Remind me to never take any sort of short cuts again… 10 hwy seemed to end as the pavement went straight north with another name… Instead of following the paved road I kept going east on a gravel road that twisted, turned and finally lead back to the road I was on. My shortcut lost me an hour and gave me a flat tire… which lost me even more time.
Night: I was thinking about presenting my journey here to the church & rehearsing what I might say. I was going over what I loved about Ren. Faire but how it is “no way to make a living”. Then I went on to how that phrase is funny because when people talk about “a living” they aren’t really talking about living, they’re talking about money… can money really give you life; happiness; joy; satisfaction; health? How many of you truly feel alive at your jobs? Now for the rest of you without your hands up my advice to you would be to get out. Get out and discover where your heart resides. And for those of you that would say to me that you need money to survive… I must ask you: is mere survival your only goal in this life? I don’t think that I could stand being in a spiritual coma for the rest of my life. Survival *scoffs* I don’t want to survive I want to live. I would rather spend the rest of my days living in a cardboard box living as God intended than to slip away dying a little more each day inside a cubicle.
- Shortcuts are not your friend. But you know I think the reason men don’t like to ask for directions (other than Otis) is because they like being lost. They like to explore, and they want to satisfy th urge to find their own path. They just want to know if they can do it… you know had I not found my way back to the road I would have been majorly discouraged to backtrack the hour I spent twisting and turning through farmlands of Missouri. That time spent was an adventure, an adventure of “can I do it?” and even though I didn’t get exactly where I wanted to go my instincts were correct when I found my way back to “civilization”.
- I’ve struggled with pornography for a long time now… and what God has revealed to me is that it comes mostly from my fear of inadequacy. I don’t feel like a real man around a woman. When a cute girl asks what I do, I tell them that “I do freelance website work for Viacom and I run my own business” in the deepest manliest voice I can with a puffed out chest… then I sink down inside and my soul hides as I pray that they don’t ask any questions about either of my “jobs”. As neither makes great money, and I’ve been told for so long that doing what I want to do what makes me come alive, and happy is a selfish endeavor. So as a second act to this tragedy I go on to not only fake the lifestyle, but I also fake the relationship.
Thinking about how much I love the movie Kingdom of Heaven. The scene where the priest says to ballian: “Who do you think you are? Do you think that making a man a knight makes him a better fighter?” To this Ballian simply answers “Yes.” then he turns and walks away. A man with an identity is something fiersome to behold indeed. After a life of living in a system of haves and have nots Ballian released these men from the slavery of this system and let them be simply… men. Give a man an identity, and a purpose and I would like to see you stop him from changing the world.
Day 3
Morning: thinking about sharing the first journal entry and after putting it down to say “I’ve become a pretty Stoic person. That’s what a ‘good man’ should be these days right; stoic. It seems our society wants a docile, tame, and subdued man. I used to get in trouble in high school just for doing things differently. You see I like to be under the gun & learn best that way too. I didn’t do homework ever in high school because it hurt my grades more than anything else. I don’t need repetition to remember and memorize things, my brain works like a recorder and I can regurgitate exact mental snapshots of just about any moment I need to. I knew that as long as I got 100% on all of my tests and did a few projects here and there I would pass any class. So that is exactly what I did. They would call me into the office weekly sometimes more often to remind me that without doing my homework I would fail all my classes. My response to them was always the same and simply that obviously I wouldn’t. I needed and thrived on that pressure that if I didn’t ace the next test it was likely that I would fail… and failure simply isn’t an option for me. People trying to encourage me would say things like ‘high school doesn’t matter in the whole scheme of things and college will get a lot better.’ or that ‘ah high school is crap full of drama once you get into the work force you’ll fit right in.’ Problem is that I don’t want to fit in, and from my experiences those people were all dead wrong. I still get in trouble for doing things the way God designed me, and creativity is still frowned upon when it differentiates too much from ‘the way it has always been done’ and I can’t help but wonder if these people didn’t just flatline before or during these events. Maybe they just grew numb to their surroundings before they got to college, or the work force. maybe all we have left in America is numb people.”
- Overcoming the “who am I?” syndrome. Packing up to head home and thinking about asking Jim to share this message my mind instantly wandered to the “who am I?” statement. I began to wonder who am I to address a congregation mostly older and wiser than myself. Who am I to lecture when there are those in the crowd more suited for public speaking. Then God butted in on my conversation with myself to add “Who are you to think that these words are your own?” it was as if God was saying “I have given you these words and I have given you the desire to share these words with others go and do so without fear.”
My bag was packed, my sleeping back stuffed into its sack, tent neatly folded and in its carrying bag. I went to get my bike… exhausted and alone, ten miles from town A and ten from town B in opposite directions. As I began to roll my bike over to pack up and head home. Moving the bike I quickly heard the sloppy sound of rubber folding on itself and acknowledged that I once again had a flat tire. Using my only spare tube yesterday I was now going to be forced to spend another night under the radio tower less than 50 yards from the road and another 5 to the train tracks. Glad I had it, but puzzled to its existence the more I got into using it, I dug the patch kit from my pack. Patch kits truly are bittersweet and ironic. The instructions call for a clean dry surface… my question to you is… have you ever seen these conditions in nature? Yeah… I’ll just use this dew covered leave here to clean off my tire, and set it out in the sun to dry… then you have to let the glue for the patch dry for several hours… several hours… this is beginning to sound like anything but an emergency tool. And who wants to use a patch kit at home? An inner tube costs $2!!! If you don’t have $2 you’ve got bigger problems than a flat tire.
I had sort of a falling out expirience with my dad at a crucial age of 16. I was battling the schools because they didn’t understand why I was doing things as I was, and I kept it going as I now understand because I needed the assurance that I could not only do things my way but that I was tough enough to survive a fight with those tyrants that controlled life so systematically… I was smart enough to know that winning was a long shot. They began to understand that I simply was not going to conform to their system, and began looking for any excuse to kick me out. The final blow came after a rough weekend where as in John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart he describes how a young man in his teens if not released by his mother and taken by his father will try to separate himself often violently. The weekend before I had run away from home to spend the night in the caves down in Parkville. Although before this harsh words were exchanged between my mother and myself… this running away was about me proving to myself that I no longer needed her… I wanted her to get the same message. That Monday at school I wasn’t over anything even less willing to bend than usual. At some point I was sent to the principals office a place I was not unfamiliar with. Upon searching my backpack they found a set of miniature files and pliers that I use for making chainmail. The 65 day out of school suspension that followed for possession of weapons was discussed among our family to be kept secret from my dad as he had already been angered over the shorter terms of suspension earlier that year. Since at the time I was unequipped to share with anyone why I had been battling with the school it was agreed to be best kept secretive. One night at the movie theatre with my dad an acquaintance from school spots me and yells over to me “Hey Cody! How are you, haven’t seen you in forever…” My heart sunk praying that my dad either didn’t hear or didn’t understand the implications of that statement. The ride home is a trip that I probably will never be able to forget. My dad waited until we were on the highway to open fire questioning why he hadn’t seen me forever… like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck I remained silent. Then followed the threats: “If you don’t answer me I’ll beat you until you wished you were dead.” or “If you don’t come up with something quick I’ll open that door and push you out of this car.” As anger grew inside of me I wanted more and more for him to take action to those threats. If he wasn’t going to give me the affirmation of the questions every boy asks for “do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” I was prepared to take the affirmation myself. After this I went home and cried for almost 3 days straight… but I didn’t really know why… I finally get it 5 1/2 years later I understand that my heart was stolen on that night, and my spirit crushed. Simply by not answering those vital questions for me “Am I tough enough? do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” My earthly father left a hole where my heart should be. I’ve since reconciled my relationship with him but still keep my distance.
- I babysit for these two boys who are 9 and 10 now, Zach and Chance. Whenever I ‘m around their favorite game to play is “war house” as they have named it. It is basically “team up to beat the crap out of cody” I never quite got the point… nor why they couldn’t just fight with one another but I guess it equates to “am I tough enough?” they see me as this guy who makes armor lives as they did in the days of the knights… so what better testing ground to find out if they are tough enough. I only now wonder if I do a good enough job affirming their questions.
- There is no mistake why this bike trip was a part of my walk with God, and not taking the “safe” route. God wanted to show me that if I truly wanted to get my heart back, if I truly wanted to live my life as he designed… I was going to have to fight for it, not once, or every now and again… I will have to fight for it every day of my life.
- I am knowing now that I have never been satisfied with any relationship for long because I was looking for my heart. Without even knowing I was looking for my heart I searched high and low from girlfriend to girlfriend leaving each abruptly when I found that they did not ever have my heart.
- Apologies are in order to Tiana and others you have dated in search of your heart, and the validation of your father. In addition give Jesse permission to dump you or slap you or whatever it takes to get my attention if she ever feels like I am coming to her for validation. Well… I guess I’ve got to ask her out first before she can dump me. (Right so not only do I talk to myself out loud but also started to do so in my journal. Anyways, Jess I know you’re reading this so even though I’ve been typing just exactly as things have been written in my journal you do have my permission… not that you ever needed it, but it’s more something to look for that would be problemous for us.)
As supplement to the Day 2 Entry 3 add “I for one would rather die than live as a slave.” -Robinhood? Terribly misquoted and can’t remember the movie for sure, just can see Kevin Costner’s face zoomed in as he says something like that. Most people would say that they’re not a slave… then when your boss walks in the room and asks for those progress reports and you reply “yes sir! Right away sir!” mmhmm… right… I see no slave at all.
Day 4
I am glad for the day of rest, but I’m ready to be home. Hopefully things will be smooth as I make my way there… because honestly I’d like for someone to carry me home. But this is what God designed us for isn’t it? To persevere against all odds… we are to offer our strength to others, not borrow it, or steal theirs… God prove to me that I still have strength left.
(in reference to the underlined statement) - Why did I say that?!?! Never, ever, ever again make a statement so reckless as that! God prove to me that I still had strength left… but he also brought me to the point of none… and back again. This day started and ended with painful and exhausting trials a lot of bitterness and hatred flew from my mouth at things as silly as the wind. I finally realized that I was asking the wrong questions and started to ask “God what are you trying to teach me from this?” as uposed to the earlier “God why me, why now? I am weak and tired.” it became crystal when I opened this journal at the end of the day and saw my entry from earlier. As my strength faded throughout the day I even became angry at God for not answering my question… little did I know all I needed to do was stop and read.
the day 5 entry is just describing events of that day… which I’ve already done, and I’m tired of typing