Cody

I heard a story recently.  Can’t for the life of me remember where I heard it, think it might of been at church on Sunday, but my days are so messed up anymore working nights and only having one day off at a time (that I sleep through most of) doesn’t seem to have any sort of break for the week.  Anyways, the story was about a missionary from a time long ago who was sailing with a crew of unbelievers.  They found themselves stuck off of the coast of Africa outside an area notorious for the cannibalistic tribe that lived near by.  As the ship sat in the water without any sort of wind to propel them they drifted slowly towards the coast, where they could see people beginning to line up awaiting their new “guests” with baited breath (quite literally).  The captain ran to the lower deck and entered the room of the missionary, begging him to pray for wind.  The missionary refused, telling the captain that he would not pray for wind until the ships sails were unfurled.  Reluctantly the captain had his crew unfurl the sails and prepare to set out to sea then came back to the missionary who he asked again to pray for wind.  Minutes later the captain came back to the missionary to check on him, asking if he was praying for wind… the missionary said that he was.  The ships captain told him that he had better stop, for they had more wind than they could handle.  Right now, I feel like the captain… in the fact that I know God can do it, I want him to, I know that it will be miraculous, something inexplicable without the use of God’s name.  The problem is I don’t want to work for it… oh sure I don’t mind working once it comes… but actually working before I see the results?  Are you kidding me?

As has been the theme of my blog for the last few months (minus a slight derailment in my life) I truly feel God is calling me to be a missionary so to speak to the Ren. Faire crew of people (who are mostly Wiccan, or pagan) through my work as a blacksmith, and chainmail jeweler.   I just love that crowd of people though, it’s the group of people that never want to leave the theatre, so they make life their stage.  Truly being a Thespian myself I’ve never seen so many Thespians as you will at the Ren. Faire’s.  They really are a funny group of people though, last summer at the St. Louis Ren. Faire with Tiana and her family several girls were coming up to her with inquiries like “Who’s your friend?  He’s kind of cute.”  to which all Tiana had to reply to get them to not pester me was say “He’s a Christian, he’s a Republican, his name is Cody by the way.”  which turned all of them away… sometimes I feel like the black sheep around them… but it’s good because despite the difference they don’t shun me because I’m accepting of them.  I’ve watched other Christians come in and try to force their religion on them, or tell them how things should be… and they will rip them apart.  They exclude me from such bashings because I don’t believe in the religious aspects of Christianity, nor do I push them on anyone else, as Godfrey’s religious adviser said to Balian “I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. I have seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What god desires is here [points to head] and here [points to heart] and what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man - or not.”  Christianity is not a religion, so much as it should be a relationship.

Anyways… haha yes much rambling, and rabbit trails in the mind of Cody as of late.  You guys know (or if you read this regularly you do) that going on my bike trip was part of my great revelation to run my business, allow God to take care of me with complete trust and admiration that he would not abandon me, nor give me something that I could not complete.  Moving into the house here with Jordan and Zack puts stress on my finances… obviously.  Which I’ve been there before, and not minded one bit, I can take a little bit of pressure.  However when there are two other people involved you can’t be playing games… even if they are religious games.  So with what I thought was wisdom from an older Christian guy who said that it was unfortunate that artists cannot make a living from their art I went ahead and went with Jordan to get a job at Target working nights… And you know what?  God still hasn’t “blessed” my business with amazing miraculous inexplicable sales or anything like that.  The problem I think, is that the faith is there… there is no doubt that I have faith in God taking care of me… there is no doubt that I have faith in God leading my business to the next level… the problem is the action.  Faith without action is useless.  So I think we’re going to go at this again… with a bit of a different approach.  It’s a scary thought however… With this job (or one at LifeTouch) I make $800 more per month than I absolutely NEED to survive on.  So I get stuck on the money thing… my mind goes “With that money you could have a forge, anvil, and everything you need to start blacksmithing by this summer”  “With that money you could visit Joanna in a couple of months”  “That money is steady and guaranteed for a minimum of effort and you won’t have to worry about your bills”  Do you notice a trend with those statements though?  Shortcut, shortcut, and shortcut… God doesn’t take any shortcuts… nor do I think they’re right in any way, with anything you do.  So the question is… do I quit my job and sound like a crazy person when I tell my cousins that I quit my job because God told me to?  But gain back my soul, and peace of mind.  Or do I stick with it a little bit longer to fulfill those shortcuts before taking faithful action?  And lose my soul, and all sense of peace in the process.  When you look at it that way it’s a simple decision… but I’ve had to train myself over years, and years to see things that way…. because in all honesty it’s only a minor compromise.  Technically I’m still doing what I believe is God’s will (going to see Joanna, and taking up blacksmithing)… the problem is that it involves no trust, or faith in God.  It’s as if I’m saying “Sure thing God, I’ll do exactly as you say, everything is for you… I’m just going to do it my way because your way seems scary and dangerous… even though I’m sure there are many lessons that I must learn from doing things you way, and doing things my way will skip me over those lessons and leave me unprepared when I reach the point of doing things as you designed… I like safety and comfort a lot.”

Ok, so you guys can see I’ve got a decision to make… I’ve been putting it off, and I don’t want to… I’m just addicted to safety and comfort… and it’s a hard addiction to break… so if you guys are willing to pray for me, maybe some words of encouragement.

I’m sure you guys are tired of hearing about her by now… and I don’t blame you… We only went out for a month and a half, and honestly there was a lot that I should of seen as potentially dangerous… that I did see but chose to ignore.  The reason I’m writing this blog, even though I told myself I wouldn’t talk about her anymore is because I don’t believe that I’ve failed at anything in life… and I don’t plan on starting now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve messed up before and “failed” in the worlds eyes, but as I see it as long as you learn something from your experience you’ve not failed.  Anyways, on to the list:

1) I’m a very selfish person - this is one of the first things I noticed, almost instantly when I started dating Jessica… and I’ve really not done much of anything that wasn’t for me, or that didn’t benefit me in some manor.   Definitely something I’ve got to work on, I’d like to think I’m cured of this, but seeing the problem and admitting it is really only the first step
2) I want kids - maybe not right now… but I do want kids.  I always wondered how I would handle kids because I really don’t have much patience for other humans (over abundance of patience for metal work, and other artistic crafts, just none for humans), but I think I handle kids well… they really are a joy.

3) I’m a lot weaker towards the female gender than I ever imagined - When I’m in a relationship I really do depend more on the affirmation, opinion, and acceptance of that person more so than anything else… which is very bad!!!  Now that I do know it however I’ve been praying about it, and intentionally turning away from pretty girls to take the time and pray to choose God first…

Those really are the biggest 3 things that I learned… or at least have noticed that I learned so far.   One thing I have to say (because I know you’re going to read this) partly because of number 3 I’ve got to watch myself.  One of the reasons I’m feeling much, much better right now is because of an awesome Christian girl who took the time to talk to me and I can’t help myself but like her.  Joanna talked to me all day yesterday and made me feel a ton better… but I’ve got to watch it and make sure that I get things straight with God before I start falling for and flirting with some other girl.  Not to mention I have a tendency to like the idea of a “safe” relationship and 22k km between us makes it safe or however far it was.

I was just outside to take out the trash, and it was cool outside.  I wasn’t expecting it at all since it’s been so dang cold out lately… but tonight it was cool, and calm.  A light breeze swirled around me as I looked up at the clear sky to see the nearly full moon.  The light that shown from it was enough to see clearly, showing the sillouhette of the evergreens across the ridge in the distance.  I walked to the back yard and went to the dam to lay on my back and just stare at the stars for a minute.  Reminding me that all beauty on this earth comes from God, and he is ever trying to woo my heart, more so than anyone else ever could.

You know what’s funny… I’ve only had two people say anything to me, or even attempt to comfort me in some way. One being Joanna who’s just some random person I met online… a really cool Christian girl that I met from MyYearbook (which is surprising in itself being that MyYearbook is quite possibly one of the worst sites I’ve ever seen in terms of blatant sexual usage, which is actually encouraged by the admins.) The other from Pastor Jesse who I had sought counsel from on the situation with Jessica. I’d like to talk with some other people… but I guess I’ve not really given any details therefore can’t expect anyone to know that I need someone to listen to me.

You know… I keep coming on here intending to say what happened and how I’m feeling… every time I get on here I feel different.  Sometimes I’m fine…. other times I’m so desperate for anything that I just want to be sitting in front of Jessica so we can talk about things.  What I think happened between me and Jessica is that I got too overbearing… I tend to do that.  I get clingy and possessive and push people away.   I don’t really know what happened because she’s not even talked to me for the last couple of weeks.  I was ready to let her go… then Aimee responds to my bulletin on MySpace and gives me a glimpse of hope… if you guys know anything about me a glimpse of hope is hope indeed.  I know that our relationship was a total God thing… whether we’re supposed to be together, or if it was just a learning experience (because believe me I could learn a lot from Jessica) I don’t know.  What I do know is that I need to learn to put God first in my life… I have the tendency to follow in Adam’s footsteps and choose Eve over God… Which isn’t fair to the people I date just as much as it isn’t right towards God… That was another major reason why I wasn’t even looking for a relationship before Jessica… I think I just need to let her go… if nothing else leave her alone until she wants to talk (if that day ever comes).

Oh yeah, the point to this was that I need someone to talk to… about anything… Just something.

I’m still reading The Way of the Wild Heart and really am only about halfway done. So obviously my journaling is still going to be about that Anyways, in TWOTWH (You like that? There are only two groups who like acronyms more than anything that’s the Military, and Nerds… but I think the Military wins since they’ve got entire dictionaries of acronyms) he describes five stages every man goes through to becoming a man. The first being The beloved son then comes The Cowboy (or Ranger for the LOTR fans) after that there’s The Warrior on to The Lover and finally The King. Each stage builds on the next, and really overlap…. You could say that I’m in a transitional period between the ranger and the warrior… Unfortunately I feel as if most of the ranger stage was fake…. not all of it, there was a lot of good, but a good portion of it. Adventure is key for the ranger (as is work) to develop properly into the warrior, and a lot of the adventure for me was completely faked. There was a lot of good adventure; I got to crash my second car… and crashed it good, it was awesome! I’ll tell you about it some other time, my mom would say it was scary to see, but she lies it was awesome! So wish I had my camera back then to take pictures of it because… yeah… total awesomeness! I’ve got some really good mental snapshots, when they figure out how to get computers to read mental imagery I’ll show you what it looked like… it was great. Also during this period of time I was in wrestling most of it, which was both good adventure and hard work. There was theatre, bike ridding, my recent bike trip, and a host of other solid adventure… but there was one major mistake…. I squandered a good deal of time that should of been seeking adventure, or doing hard work (one of the only reasons I lasted so long working at Wal-Mart is because it was excrutiating physical labor unloading trucks… and I loved it) in playing video games. Don’t get me wrong, I think that video games have been a great social outlet for me with the LAN Parties and everything. And in they’re not a bad thing… but they should be limited more, and they are no substitute for true adventure. Unfortunately I did look to them for adventure a lot of the time, they’re much easier than actually taking the risk of going and finding adventure… and a lot easier to get permission from my mom to do…. even at 21 it was hard for her to let me go on my bike trip. Now especially after that wonderful expirience out on the road alone, I want something substantial… something meaningful. Which is driving me crazy being here with my cousin because we used to be gaming buddies… well still are. All he wants to do all the time is game, even though we should be doing work online to get some sort of extra income he wants to spend 8 hours a day playing games and it’s driving me nuts!!! Nine months ago dude I would of been all over it, 12 hours a day all gaming, all the time… but now it doesn’t satisfy… nothing about it even appeals anymore… even as a time waster it’s lacking. It doesn’t feed my soul like it used to seem to, and I really am not understanding what the appeal was before for me. Even two months ago it was a good destresser/time waster, but now that’s even gone by the wayside. I need something substantial, and I need it quick. I’m thinking with my first couple of paychecks I’m definitely getting the stuff to build a forge… start learning blacksmithing.

Blacksmithing is a whole other subject. One of the reasons I decided to go ahead and get a job (oh, and btw, for those of you who don’t know I got a job :-P) besides the obvious of need of money for rent and everything (oh, and btw, for those of you who don’t know I finally got Jordan to understand that I had to move out, or they’d be alone so I’m now in my new place). I was with my mom and we went to eat with one of her old patients who’s a really cool Christian guy, who had cancer but got better from it, and offered to teach me to ride motorcycles…. which I may take him up on… but that’s another story for another time. While talking to him, he’s got a friend who’s an artist actually makes jewelry and he was saying I should meet her. I love meeting people who are actually making a living as artists… it’s hard to do, I know first hand. Anyways he was also showing me a painting she did and was joking about how he shouldn’t of paid what he did for it because she owed him money or something but still did because their work as artists is worth far more than most peoples but unfortunately they can’t make a living from it. It made me think back to this other guy I knew who was an awesome artist from here in Kansas City and actually world renowned. Jean Paleologue if you’ve ever heard of the artist Pal that was Jean’s father… Pal is a VERY famous artist, but Jean was very well known worldwide as well. Even being world renowned and celebrated… he made a very meager living. I’ve seen some of Jean’s work sell for tens of thousands for a single painting… unfortunately Jean never saw that. Artists often have to settle for selling their pieces for whatever they can get at the time, and then the person who got it holds it for long enough that the rest of the world can appreciate what that art meant at the time and then sells it for 10, 20, 5,000 times as much as they bought it for. Jean made a living as an artist… but there was something about him, something that I’ve noticed about everybody I’ve met who actually is making a living as an artist… they don’t stick to one art. Now they usually have one that they are most passionate about, one that they love, but they usually take part in at least 3 artistic fields to survive. So until I’ve got blacksmithing down, continue with my jewelry stuff, and also can do webpage design I’m going to have to hold down another job. Doesn’t really bother me, so long as I can keep a physically laborious job that pays decent I’ll be ok.

You know one fascinating thing about John Eldredge’s books to me is that I rarely ever get more than 2 pages without having to stop. I finished reading Wild at Heart a little while after returning from the bike trip, my mom wanted to read it because she saw how much it touched me. My mom doesn’t read this blog (she seems to be the only person I know anymore who doesn’t ) we talk about everything anyways so it’s not just a huge deal that she doesn’t read it here. Never the less she seems to be seeing a difference in me since I got back… which is good because she’s been encouraging the change. Like I said though she wanted to read it, figuring that I would take it with me when I move (which is a whole other story in itself) she went to rent it from the library, but they didn’t have it so she got what they did have The Way of the Wild Heart which is sort of a sequel to Wild at Heart and she didn’t want to read it until she read Wild at Heart so anyways I’ve now started reading The Way of the Wild Heart and just like when reading Wild at Heart I can’t get past more than a few paragraphs before I’ve got to stop. Stopping isn’t a bad thing in this situation… especially not with why I stop. You see I used to daydream all the time, seriously I used to spend 99% of my time daydreaming about… well everything. I used to design and invent truly awesome stuff all of which came from my spacing out while the world went about its business around me. When I’m reading through John’s books (we’re good friends now, I’ve spent enough time reading his stuff that we’re on a first name basis) I catch myself all the time stopping to look back and go… woah… I definitely don’t remember anything after that last paragraph… but it’s good, because I can envision practical ways that his words apply to my life…. which is something that I’ve not been able to do with anything that I’ve read, watched, or even written in a long time. It has also awoken a good many passions that I’ve let grow dormant over the years… well I guess I’m going to go back to reading now since I’ve not even made it through the introduction of the book yet

I love the line from Stranger than Fiction where Ana Pascal is explaining to Harold Crick how she got to being a baker from going to Harvard Law School then says to him “So I decided that I would change the world with cookies.”  That statement is so profound, and so amazingly true.  So many people just never get it though… they think that the only way to change the world, the only way to make a difference is to join some great “cause” or devote their life to a monastery… when in actuality it starts with a batch of fresh baked cookies.  Who are the most effective people in history?  Just to list a few we’ve got Beethoven, Hans Zimmer, Nikola Tesla, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Bach, Albert Einstein, etc.  But what did these people actually add to society?  I mean seriously… nothing they did or created was, or is necessary to human existence… Some of them made our lives more convenient such as Nikola Tesla, and Henry Ford… some of them added beauty to our lives like Hans Zimmer, and Beethoven… but still yet none of these things are absolutely necessary for life, or are they?  Are we programmed by God to always excel and change, redefining and extending the definition of what beautiful is?  I like to think that the reason these people were so efficient at what they did is because they were doing exactly what God made them to do, they pushed the world aside and distinctly said they were doing not what the world said it needed (have you ever heard someone telling a small child they should be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician so that they could change the world and make lots of money?) they pushed aside what their parents told them to be, they pushed aside what their neighbors said they should be, they strove through times of extreme poverty to pursue their passions… Where as many people have said such endeavors are fruitless and vein… but I say differently.  I say that these people actually got it, most of which weren’t Christians, and I also say there is no mistake about that.  Sadly enough the church often is one of the biggest offenders when it comes to allowing people to do what God created them to do.  If you think about how up until recently the Catholic Church was the dominant denomination for followers of Christ… the whole hierarchy and system of the Catholic Church is dead set on limiting the creativity of God.  Pillar’s song Frontline which I’ve got on my MySpace profile says in the beginning “I’d be willing to bet that if we don’t back down in the end we’ll be the ones holding the crown” Of course Pillar is a Christian band, and they’re talking about standing on the front lines of Gods war against evil, but I think this is a huge part of that.  How can someone doing a job that they’re not made for, or trained for be anywhere near as effective as someone who was born to be who they are?  I like the quote from the movie 300 (even though I did have a few qualms with the historical accuracy of the movie) where the two Greek armies meet up and the one commander says “Why did you bring so few warriors?” Leonidas proceeds to ask those brought with Daxos what their professions were, farmers, potters, all normal professions.  Then Leonidas asks the Spartans what their profession was they respond “Ha-ooh Ha-ooh Ha-ooh” and Leonidas says “You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.” It makes a difference when you’re doing what you were made to do, as opposed to doing what the world tells you they need done.  The world isn’t changed by doctors, politicians, lawyers, and others in positions of power… the world is changed by artists who follow their dreams and do what they were designed for.  I’ve used the quote before, but I still love it from the movie Man on Fire Creasy’s friend say’s “A man can be an artist at anything, Creasy’s art is death… and he is about to paint his masterpiece.”  That is such an awesome line!  A man truly can be an artist at anything, and if you’re not living out your art you’re probably dying each day little by little.  I recently got an email from a Christina Lee who found my website from some article on a jewelry website… I’ve gotten a lot of praise from large websites that I have no clue how they even found out about me, but they write these awesome stories about my work and what I do… but anyways Christina wrote me an email saying that she loved how I stood for Christ in my work, and also that she really liked my work.  Her and her husband a few years ago finally quit their jobs as she describes to “Return to the gifts and talents that God gave us.” She makes glass beads and jewelry out of that along with silk paintings, and her husband makes beautiful handcrafted guitars!  She goes on to describe how they’re moving into a studio loft in a neighborhood of artists, they’re literally the 40th art studio to go into the neighborhood and how it is such a blessing to be a missionary to that artists community.  It’s like what John Eldredge says… we need to quit asking what the world needs, and start asking what makes us come alive because what the world really needs is real men, and real women who are alive in what they do.

Ok… so I’ve not really organized my thoughts in any way shape or form… but I’m going to publish this as is because that was the original plan… and I’m not going to get any time where I feel like working that I don’t need to be working on my website anyways. Some items of note, first off most of this was simply a guided journal while out in the wild (so to speak) alone, with only the company of God, and Wild at Heart the book I took with me. It’s evident that I was very impacted by the book Wild at Heart, but highly doubt that I would of been if it weren’t for the crossroad that I am facing, and the reason I took the trip. So much of this comes from reading a couple of paragraphs and then me going off and writing my own thing of thoughts and ideas that were spurred while reading. The other thing of note is that I got the idea at some point that I should share some of my journey experiences with the church… actually get my journal in order and ask Jim if I could share my experience from the trip… I still like the idea, and may still do so, but much of that depends upon the response I get from you guys, I know that much of what is said in here is God speaking to me… my question to you is do I share my testimony with those beyond my small circle of friends, or is it more just relevant to me, and maybe some other guys… does it impact you at all? Or is it just a journal from one man in a “you’d have to be there” sort of fashion? Obviously there is a great deal of organization needed… if I were to share this my day 1 entry would be one of the concluding thoughts… even though it worked well as an opener for me at the time. Also please excuse the grammatical errors… I generally look at the screen while I’m typing and easily spot things, but I’ll be staring at the notebook the whole time typing as fast as I can so there will be many mistakes since I don’t stop to fix anything until it’s done… and I hate proofreading so it will mostly be what is marked for spelling errors that is fixed

Day 1

I cam expecting God to do miraculous things with this trip. I came expecting to be invited into homes & impact lives. I came expecting to be fed with manna from heaven (so to speak) and my thirst quenched by endless springs. I found something else instead; I found my heart. I found where my heart resides, and it has put my soul at ease that I may share it with Jesse and her two beautiful children. Thank you God! Thank you for my heart.

Day 2

Morning: I am awoken to the chirping of birds and soft patter of droplets sliding off the leaves my body feels restored, and I can begin again, in need of a clean water source however.

2pm: Remind me to never take any sort of short cuts again… 10 hwy seemed to end as the pavement went straight north with another name… Instead of following the paved road I kept going east on a gravel road that twisted, turned and finally lead back to the road I was on. My shortcut lost me an hour and gave me a flat tire… which lost me even more time.

Night: I was thinking about presenting my journey here to the church & rehearsing what I might say. I was going over what I loved about Ren. Faire but how it is “no way to make a living”. Then I went on to how that phrase is funny because when people talk about “a living” they aren’t really talking about living, they’re talking about money… can money really give you life; happiness; joy; satisfaction; health? How many of you truly feel alive at your jobs? Now for the rest of you without your hands up my advice to you would be to get out. Get out and discover where your heart resides. And for those of you that would say to me that you need money to survive… I must ask you: is mere survival your only goal in this life? I don’t think that I could stand being in a spiritual coma for the rest of my life. Survival *scoffs* I don’t want to survive I want to live. I would rather spend the rest of my days living in a cardboard box living as God intended than to slip away dying a little more each day inside a cubicle.

- Shortcuts are not your friend. But you know I think the reason men don’t like to ask for directions (other than Otis) is because they like being lost. They like to explore, and they want to satisfy th urge to find their own path. They just want to know if they can do it… you know had I not found my way back to the road I would have been majorly discouraged to backtrack the hour I spent twisting and turning through farmlands of Missouri. That time spent was an adventure, an adventure of “can I do it?” and even though I didn’t get exactly where I wanted to go my instincts were correct when I found my way back to “civilization”.

- I’ve struggled with pornography for a long time now… and what God has revealed to me is that it comes mostly from my fear of inadequacy. I don’t feel like a real man around a woman. When a cute girl asks what I do, I tell them that “I do freelance website work for Viacom and I run my own business” in the deepest manliest voice I can with a puffed out chest… then I sink down inside and my soul hides as I pray that they don’t ask any questions about either of my “jobs”. As neither makes great money, and I’ve been told for so long that doing what I want to do what makes me come alive, and happy is a selfish endeavor. So as a second act to this tragedy I go on to not only fake the lifestyle, but I also fake the relationship.

Thinking about how much I love the movie Kingdom of Heaven. The scene where the priest says to ballian: “Who do you think you are? Do you think that making a man a knight makes him a better fighter?” To this Ballian simply answers “Yes.” then he turns and walks away. A man with an identity is something fiersome to behold indeed. After a life of living in a system of haves and have nots Ballian released these men from the slavery of this system and let them be simply… men. Give a man an identity, and a purpose and I would like to see you stop him from changing the world.

Day 3

Morning: thinking about sharing the first journal entry and after putting it down to say “I’ve become a pretty Stoic person. That’s what a ‘good man’ should be these days right; stoic. It seems our society wants a docile, tame, and subdued man. I used to get in trouble in high school just for doing things differently. You see I like to be under the gun & learn best that way too. I didn’t do homework ever in high school because it hurt my grades more than anything else. I don’t need repetition to remember and memorize things, my brain works like a recorder and I can regurgitate exact mental snapshots of just about any moment I need to. I knew that as long as I got 100% on all of my tests and did a few projects here and there I would pass any class. So that is exactly what I did. They would call me into the office weekly sometimes more often to remind me that without doing my homework I would fail all my classes. My response to them was always the same and simply that obviously I wouldn’t. I needed and thrived on that pressure that if I didn’t ace the next test it was likely that I would fail… and failure simply isn’t an option for me. People trying to encourage me would say things like ‘high school doesn’t matter in the whole scheme of things and college will get a lot better.’ or that ‘ah high school is crap full of drama once you get into the work force you’ll fit right in.’ Problem is that I don’t want to fit in, and from my experiences those people were all dead wrong. I still get in trouble for doing things the way God designed me, and creativity is still frowned upon when it differentiates too much from ‘the way it has always been done’ and I can’t help but wonder if these people didn’t just flatline before or during these events. Maybe they just grew numb to their surroundings before they got to college, or the work force. maybe all we have left in America is numb people.”

- Overcoming the “who am I?” syndrome. Packing up to head home and thinking about asking Jim to share this message my mind instantly wandered to the “who am I?” statement. I began to wonder who am I to address a congregation mostly older and wiser than myself. Who am I to lecture when there are those in the crowd more suited for public speaking. Then God butted in on my conversation with myself to add “Who are you to think that these words are your own?” it was as if God was saying “I have given you these words and I have given you the desire to share these words with others go and do so without fear.”

My bag was packed, my sleeping back stuffed into its sack, tent neatly folded and in its carrying bag. I went to get my bike… exhausted and alone, ten miles from town A and ten from town B in opposite directions. As I began to roll my bike over to pack up and head home. Moving the bike I quickly heard the sloppy sound of rubber folding on itself and acknowledged that I once again had a flat tire. Using my only spare tube yesterday I was now going to be forced to spend another night under the radio tower less than 50 yards from the road and another 5 to the train tracks. Glad I had it, but puzzled to its existence the more I got into using it, I dug the patch kit from my pack. Patch kits truly are bittersweet and ironic. The instructions call for a clean dry surface… my question to you is… have you ever seen these conditions in nature? Yeah… I’ll just use this dew covered leave here to clean off my tire, and set it out in the sun to dry… then you have to let the glue for the patch dry for several hours… several hours… this is beginning to sound like anything but an emergency tool. And who wants to use a patch kit at home? An inner tube costs $2!!! If you don’t have $2 you’ve got bigger problems than a flat tire.

I had sort of a falling out expirience with my dad at a crucial age of 16. I was battling the schools because they didn’t understand why I was doing things as I was, and I kept it going as I now understand because I needed the assurance that I could not only do things my way but that I was tough enough to survive a fight with those tyrants that controlled life so systematically… I was smart enough to know that winning was a long shot. They began to understand that I simply was not going to conform to their system, and began looking for any excuse to kick me out. The final blow came after a rough weekend where as in John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart he describes how a young man in his teens if not released by his mother and taken by his father will try to separate himself often violently. The weekend before I had run away from home to spend the night in the caves down in Parkville. Although before this harsh words were exchanged between my mother and myself… this running away was about me proving to myself that I no longer needed her… I wanted her to get the same message. That Monday at school I wasn’t over anything even less willing to bend than usual. At some point I was sent to the principals office a place I was not unfamiliar with. Upon searching my backpack they found a set of miniature files and pliers that I use for making chainmail. The 65 day out of school suspension that followed for possession of weapons was discussed among our family to be kept secret from my dad as he had already been angered over the shorter terms of suspension earlier that year. Since at the time I was unequipped to share with anyone why I had been battling with the school it was agreed to be best kept secretive. One night at the movie theatre with my dad an acquaintance from school spots me and yells over to me “Hey Cody! How are you, haven’t seen you in forever…” My heart sunk praying that my dad either didn’t hear or didn’t understand the implications of that statement. The ride home is a trip that I probably will never be able to forget. My dad waited until we were on the highway to open fire questioning why he hadn’t seen me forever… like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck I remained silent. Then followed the threats: “If you don’t answer me I’ll beat you until you wished you were dead.” or “If you don’t come up with something quick I’ll open that door and push you out of this car.” As anger grew inside of me I wanted more and more for him to take action to those threats. If he wasn’t going to give me the affirmation of the questions every boy asks for “do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” I was prepared to take the affirmation myself. After this I went home and cried for almost 3 days straight… but I didn’t really know why… I finally get it 5 1/2 years later I understand that my heart was stolen on that night, and my spirit crushed. Simply by not answering those vital questions for me “Am I tough enough? do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” My earthly father left a hole where my heart should be. I’ve since reconciled my relationship with him but still keep my distance.

- I babysit for these two boys who are 9 and 10 now, Zach and Chance. Whenever I ‘m around their favorite game to play is “war house” as they have named it. It is basically “team up to beat the crap out of cody” I never quite got the point… nor why they couldn’t just fight with one another but I guess it equates to “am I tough enough?” they see me as this guy who makes armor lives as they did in the days of the knights… so what better testing ground to find out if they are tough enough. I only now wonder if I do a good enough job affirming their questions.

- There is no mistake why this bike trip was a part of my walk with God, and not taking the “safe” route. God wanted to show me that if I truly wanted to get my heart back, if I truly wanted to live my life as he designed… I was going to have to fight for it, not once, or every now and again… I will have to fight for it every day of my life.

- I am knowing now that I have never been satisfied with any relationship for long because I was looking for my heart. Without even knowing I was looking for my heart I searched high and low from girlfriend to girlfriend leaving each abruptly when I found that they did not ever have my heart.

- Apologies are in order to Tiana and others you have dated in search of your heart, and the validation of your father. In addition give Jesse permission to dump you or slap you or whatever it takes to get my attention if she ever feels like I am coming to her for validation. Well… I guess I’ve got to ask her out first before she can dump me. (Right so not only do I talk to myself out loud but also started to do so in my journal. Anyways, Jess I know you’re reading this so even though I’ve been typing just exactly as things have been written in my journal you do have my permission… not that you ever needed it, but it’s more something to look for that would be problemous for us.)

As supplement to the Day 2 Entry 3 add “I for one would rather die than live as a slave.” -Robinhood? Terribly misquoted and can’t remember the movie for sure, just can see Kevin Costner’s face zoomed in as he says something like that. Most people would say that they’re not a slave… then when your boss walks in the room and asks for those progress reports and you reply “yes sir! Right away sir!” mmhmm… right… I see no slave at all.

Day 4

I am glad for the day of rest, but I’m ready to be home. Hopefully things will be smooth as I make my way there… because honestly I’d like for someone to carry me home. But this is what God designed us for isn’t it? To persevere against all odds… we are to offer our strength to others, not borrow it, or steal theirs… God prove to me that I still have strength left.

(in reference to the underlined statement) - Why did I say that?!?! Never, ever, ever again make a statement so reckless as that! God prove to me that I still had strength left… but he also brought me to the point of none… and back again. This day started and ended with painful and exhausting trials a lot of bitterness and hatred flew from my mouth at things as silly as the wind. I finally realized that I was asking the wrong questions and started to ask “God what are you trying to teach me from this?” as uposed to the earlier “God why me, why now? I am weak and tired.” it became crystal when I opened this journal at the end of the day and saw my entry from earlier. As my strength faded throughout the day I even became angry at God for not answering my question… little did I know all I needed to do was stop and read.

the day 5 entry is just describing events of that day… which I’ve already done, and I’m tired of typing

Ok, here’s the physical results of the trip! I really didn’t take as many photo’s as I had planned… but here’s what I got anyways. Maybe a duplicate here and there… for the most part I took what I had and just processed them to a much smaller resolution for here, and so yeah… this is just what I captured on film on the trip… and coming up at some point in time I’ll have everything else up (still need to do TONS of work on my new site www.applymyway.com and have to upgrade all my blogs to WordPress 2.3 so might take me a while to compile my journal I brought with me into a blog entry… but when I do it’s going to be a LONG entry.)

Little spot off of Barry road where it ends and I had to turn onto 152 for a short while… although I didn’t it to most of my trip actually ended up being on the highway (small Missouri highways, it’s illegal to ride on interstates, although sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be safer than some of the sections of 10 highway I was on)

Alright, I was just wondering on this one, how many kids do you have to have in order to get that sign put in front of your house? I mean seriously… Oh… and by the way if you didn’t notice I like random stuff, so a lot of the pictures I took were just random things that intrigued me (heck if I wanted to I could of taken 1800 pictures on this trip).

haha more random, miniature ponies…

Vastness that you just never notice until you’re moving at 15mph

That sign is a lie!!!!! I went down the road that sign points to and there is NOTHING I was dead tired by the time I made it here and uh… well let’s say that Cooley Lake is a myth.

Still unsure where Cooley Lake is… the name may sound refreshing and nice… but it doesn’t exist so don’t bother. But that sign there (about 1/4 mile down the road from the other one) is less of a trick. Still no Cooley lake, but this was the place I camped out the first night, it leads to a little fishing spot for the Missouri River and that’s where I stopped for the night the first night.

Home sweet home away from home! I thought walking across the silt that it would be great for sleeping on because it’s soft and kind of nice to walk in… definitely not so though, once you’ve got a tarp on it, it packs like cement under you.

Starting to look a little more like my room

I never want to see peanut butter again… haha ok, well maybe again, but not without some jelly. Why peanut butter? That’s simple, with the peanut butter and vanilla wafer sandwiches I made that equals nearly 200 calories per bite… each jar of peanut butter contains the calories needed to live for 2 days of very hard word, and it packs easily. Eating off of the knife… well doesn’t seem so bad, I do it at home too that knife is my utensil (I love the teflon coating on the blade nothing ever sticks)… out there where it’s been strapped to my sweaty hip all day, covered by my sweaty shirt, used for everything else a knife is used for, and no way to wash it… yeah it’s a little bit gross, but we try not to think about that.

Moonage, I woke up at 2am because I got to bed at like 10pm and honestly thought it was morning the moon was so bright the tent just looked like it was daylight. Stayed up and read then went back to sleep.

Stinks you can’t really see it in the photo, but this is what I woke up to. The mist was awesome! Being not more than 25ft away from the Missouri River the mist cover was thick, it only barely shows in this picture, but this was the view from my front door.

Dew covered spider web.

I was ridding and tried to get a picture of my shadow… it was a lot cooler looking down where I could look past my arm… but oh wellz, I was going down a hill and started going faster so one hand off the bars wasn’t working very well and I just snapped the shot real quick as best as I could. You can tell it’s still morning because I’ve still got my hoodie on After the morning when the sun would warm up it was t-shirt time.

Like I said, I like random things. This pool is seriously miles away from everything, and it’s not like it is abandoned or anything, it’s very well maintained just sitting randomly in this field with no access road or anything…

In a car when you can see this far it’s cool, on a bike that far point you can see where the road turns is 10-20mins away!

eh, there was a cool looking swamp on the side of the road but I was still going down hill and couldn’t get the camera out and on in time to take the pic… it’s barely caught on the left side, but it wasn’t worth stopping or going back for.

ugh!! Gravel roads are no fun… they turn and go in circles around these fields and never lead to anywhere of importance!!! That’s one thing when planning this trip using Google Earth satellite maps to plan everything I didn’t account for… and I just thought it was the satellite image making them look gray

fixing the first flat

So… as it turns out it takes 450 pumps with that little pump to fill my tires to 65PSI (higher PSI makes for harder tires and easier rolling resistance, saves on gas mileage… or manpower in this case)

That’s my radio tower… or at least it was for the couple of days I slept there by it… it talked to me in the middle of the night, I’d wake up and there would be voices coming from inside…

nice little shaded cove for the tent.

Cool little tree by where I was. I wanted to climb up it and sit up on one of the branches but just never did… I was too tired to be climbing.

haha, gotta love timed shots, even though I don’t use it often, they’re fun.

Taking pictures of the sunset with different camera settings.

Moonage! (I think this was in the morning… the sun was coming up, but the moon was still up as well)

had to of been in the morning for the land to of been that bright.

longest most disgustingly flat section of road in Missouri!!!!! No road should be straight and flat in missouri… that’s just no fun! Not to mention it’s seriously like a 20 mile section of nothing but soybeans… if I never see a soybean plant again it’ll be too soon.

This picture isn’t a trick I swear… if you’ve got an LCD you might have to look at it from a couple of different angles but on the left side there’s the big dipper. The shot is actually kind of doubled some of the stars look like they are there twice… must of moved or something, I set the camera on my chest pointed to the big dipper held my breath and set the shutter speed for 15 seconds.

Since I had the shutter speed for 15 seconds I may as well of got some shots of the passing traffic.

I meant to take this before I was packed up, but that was the morning of day 5 just showing how tired I was to sleep right next to the freaking highway… Of course the radio tower was only about 50 yards from the highway, and another 5 to the train tracks… and they run trains ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! You really get used to it, especially spending 2 days there, but the first couple of times it scared the poodidleys out of me when I was falling asleep and a train came by and blasted their horn.

This is a shot from the Johavah’s Witness church I happened to camp outside of… tried sneaking on and getting some water from the faucet outside then going on my way… but sleeping in that day from being up so late, I just didn’t make it… they kept begging me to come in and listen to the sermon and I finally agreed when one of the guys said they’d give me a ride if I stayed.

So most of you know the story… but I’ll tell it in full later. For now be happy that I’ve at least made progress and put up the pictures

There’s my organization skills for you… I pile everything I need up in the hallway then start filling the backpack… whatever doesn’t fit must not of been that important in the first place
The “plan” is still to ride as far as possible hopefully making New Franklin, MO before sundown (New Franklin is where I intend to meet up with the Katy Trail). Ride the Katy Trail to the end and maybe find a place to cross and go over to Wentzville where I’ll find Rotary Park and go to the St. Louis Ren. Faire site where Pirate Fest is going on! But if I can’t find it that isn’t really a huge deal. I’ve still got a bit of planning to do as far as the exact course I’m going to take, but it looks like I’ll be heading down Barry Road most of the way, cut up towards Liberty and head out with 210 and Old 210 Highway… Most of it is small enough roads to ride on past Liberty going East/North so it’ll be good.

Since I’ve still got to pack and tons of things to take care of before I go this is going to have to be cut much shorter than I wanted it to be… but I did want to say to Jesse thank you for being awesome! I’ll be honest I was sort of worried about what you’d think about me going… which is odd for me in the first place since I don’t generally care what anyone thinks about what I do. I do care what you think, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.