Cody

I’m sure you guys are tired of hearing about her by now… and I don’t blame you… We only went out for a month and a half, and honestly there was a lot that I should of seen as potentially dangerous… that I did see but chose to ignore.  The reason I’m writing this blog, even though I told myself I wouldn’t talk about her anymore is because I don’t believe that I’ve failed at anything in life… and I don’t plan on starting now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve messed up before and “failed” in the worlds eyes, but as I see it as long as you learn something from your experience you’ve not failed.  Anyways, on to the list:

1) I’m a very selfish person - this is one of the first things I noticed, almost instantly when I started dating Jessica… and I’ve really not done much of anything that wasn’t for me, or that didn’t benefit me in some manor.   Definitely something I’ve got to work on, I’d like to think I’m cured of this, but seeing the problem and admitting it is really only the first step
2) I want kids - maybe not right now… but I do want kids.  I always wondered how I would handle kids because I really don’t have much patience for other humans (over abundance of patience for metal work, and other artistic crafts, just none for humans), but I think I handle kids well… they really are a joy.

3) I’m a lot weaker towards the female gender than I ever imagined - When I’m in a relationship I really do depend more on the affirmation, opinion, and acceptance of that person more so than anything else… which is very bad!!!  Now that I do know it however I’ve been praying about it, and intentionally turning away from pretty girls to take the time and pray to choose God first…

Those really are the biggest 3 things that I learned… or at least have noticed that I learned so far.   One thing I have to say (because I know you’re going to read this) partly because of number 3 I’ve got to watch myself.  One of the reasons I’m feeling much, much better right now is because of an awesome Christian girl who took the time to talk to me and I can’t help myself but like her.  Joanna talked to me all day yesterday and made me feel a ton better… but I’ve got to watch it and make sure that I get things straight with God before I start falling for and flirting with some other girl.  Not to mention I have a tendency to like the idea of a “safe” relationship and 22k km between us makes it safe or however far it was.

I was just outside to take out the trash, and it was cool outside.  I wasn’t expecting it at all since it’s been so dang cold out lately… but tonight it was cool, and calm.  A light breeze swirled around me as I looked up at the clear sky to see the nearly full moon.  The light that shown from it was enough to see clearly, showing the sillouhette of the evergreens across the ridge in the distance.  I walked to the back yard and went to the dam to lay on my back and just stare at the stars for a minute.  Reminding me that all beauty on this earth comes from God, and he is ever trying to woo my heart, more so than anyone else ever could.

You know what’s funny… I’ve only had two people say anything to me, or even attempt to comfort me in some way. One being Joanna who’s just some random person I met online… a really cool Christian girl that I met from MyYearbook (which is surprising in itself being that MyYearbook is quite possibly one of the worst sites I’ve ever seen in terms of blatant sexual usage, which is actually encouraged by the admins.) The other from Pastor Jesse who I had sought counsel from on the situation with Jessica. I’d like to talk with some other people… but I guess I’ve not really given any details therefore can’t expect anyone to know that I need someone to listen to me.

You know… I keep coming on here intending to say what happened and how I’m feeling… every time I get on here I feel different.  Sometimes I’m fine…. other times I’m so desperate for anything that I just want to be sitting in front of Jessica so we can talk about things.  What I think happened between me and Jessica is that I got too overbearing… I tend to do that.  I get clingy and possessive and push people away.   I don’t really know what happened because she’s not even talked to me for the last couple of weeks.  I was ready to let her go… then Aimee responds to my bulletin on MySpace and gives me a glimpse of hope… if you guys know anything about me a glimpse of hope is hope indeed.  I know that our relationship was a total God thing… whether we’re supposed to be together, or if it was just a learning experience (because believe me I could learn a lot from Jessica) I don’t know.  What I do know is that I need to learn to put God first in my life… I have the tendency to follow in Adam’s footsteps and choose Eve over God… Which isn’t fair to the people I date just as much as it isn’t right towards God… That was another major reason why I wasn’t even looking for a relationship before Jessica… I think I just need to let her go… if nothing else leave her alone until she wants to talk (if that day ever comes).

Oh yeah, the point to this was that I need someone to talk to… about anything… Just something.

Yeah… So I definitely don’t even know how I feel.  I’m doin’ ok I think… but I feel sunken, that’s the only way I can describe it… I keep saying that I’m ok though.  I can’t say that I didn’t know it was coming… she didn’t respond to me the last time I saw her at all… I touched her arm, or put mine around her and there was nothing.  Oh well right?  I messed up the same place I always mess up… maybe I’ll talk more about it later, right now I’m just gonna go to sleep since I gotta work tonight.

Hey Jessica.  I post this on here for a couple of reasons.  One being that I don’t want you to read this… no I want to talk to you.  However I am posting this here because I’m afraid I’ve driven you away to Isle de Jessica and you’ve left me with no map, or magic compass to find my way.  Even if I did have a way to call you, or come talk to you unfortunately you wouldn’t speak to me… which makes me wonder what exactly you’re holding onto?  Why you’ve not changed your status to single on MySpace, or quit putting up the facade that we’re still dating… obviously we’re not.  We’re not spending time with each other, and you’re no longer willing to let me be any part of your life… which I fear is my fault, pushing you away by moving too fast.  If I’ve come to the wrong conclusion… it’s because I don’t understand what’s going on.  When you don’t talk to me it scares me.  I come to all kinds of conclusions when you don’t say anything to me… I don’t know what in the world is going on, and it’s driving me crazy.  When you don’t talk to me it reminds me of the many times before that I’ve gotten close to someone and they disappeared.  Something specifically that has come up nearly every time I leave you a message or say something and you don’t respond is before going to Jamaica there was a lady I liked who seemed to like me.  Right before I went we went to hang out with some other people and ended up getting kind of closer than usual cuddling a bit before the end of the night… seemed like we both liked each other, and she initiated it so I saw nothing wrong.  When I got back from Jamaica I gave her a call she never responded.  For two months I tried everything to try and get a hold of her and she never responded… I will never know what went wrong, nor do I care so much… but when you don’t talk to me it makes me feel like you’re leaving me behind… (btw, if you are please just tell me) there’s a voice inside my head that pesters me saying “see I told you, you’re not good enough for her.  See you pushed her away.  See she doesn’t want you anymore.”  After a while I start listening to that voice, an it takes a voice of reason to bring me back.  The first time you mom encouraged me, this time it was pastor Jesse.  I don’t want you to hate me, I don’t want you to leave me behind.  I know that you’ve got a lot going on right now… but I don’t see that as ever changing for us… so if you really do want anything between us please reply to me… I don’t care if it’s a one word reply, anything to just let me know you’re still there.

Alright so I’ve mentioned Jesse a few times on here because we’ve been talking a lot lately and I really like her.  I really like her and her two little ones.  Yesterday was an amazing day.  Earlier this week Jesse had asked if I wanted to go to the Native American Festival down in Riverside, sounded good to me and anything hanging out with Jesse is great.  So after church we went to McDonalds and ate, then off to the festival.  We ended up getting rained on a little bit, but got inside before it started pouring down.  I got to meet one of Jesse’s friends Heather, and her husband… unfortunately I’m horrible with names so I don’t remember his name.  But the five of us went on to Coldstone for some ice cream, then to the Disney store so Brie could run around for a little bit.  After that we parted with Heather and her husband, then went over to my house to “drop me off” and let Brie see my kitty kat.  We just hung out for a little while and afterwards went over to Jesse’s grandparents house, finally concluding the night with Jesse bringing me back before heading home herself.  Even though me and Jesse don’t get to be terribly affectionate most of the time chasing after Brie, or holding Tristen… I just love being around them.  I like Jesse a lot and being around her helping her take care of the kids is more of a blessing than I could ever ask for… but the end of the night is always the best.  I love the goodbye hug from Jesse… not that I like saying goodbye, but when she puts her arms around me I just want to squeeze her tight and protect her from everything.  Being with her really does make me wish I had the means to take care of them financially so that Jesse could go with her passions of a more artistic career.  Trying to follow my own artistic passions I know that it’s tough, and even more so living on your own with little ones to take care of.  Maybe one day a couple years from now it will be possible… I know God gives me what I need, sometimes it seems to be barely that, but it’s always what I need, nothing more, nothing less.  I’ve become content with that, and I am very content with the gorgeous girl he’s sent me.

Yes I know I’ve still not compiled my journal… been busy getting Archmaille Designs promoted online.  Currently 17th place for the term “silver jewelry” Woot!!! Which gets 30,000 searches a month according to Yahoo and just moved up to 20th place for “sterling silver jewelry” which is good too… but until I break top 10 I may as well be in 100th place still since the top 10 are the only ones that really get hits… it’s funny how people are, they want the search engines to do all the work for them, they don’t want to have to actually look for something :-P  So if it’s not on the first page it may as well not exist… but soon my site shall be so long as I keep on it.

There’s my organization skills for you… I pile everything I need up in the hallway then start filling the backpack… whatever doesn’t fit must not of been that important in the first place
The “plan” is still to ride as far as possible hopefully making New Franklin, MO before sundown (New Franklin is where I intend to meet up with the Katy Trail). Ride the Katy Trail to the end and maybe find a place to cross and go over to Wentzville where I’ll find Rotary Park and go to the St. Louis Ren. Faire site where Pirate Fest is going on! But if I can’t find it that isn’t really a huge deal. I’ve still got a bit of planning to do as far as the exact course I’m going to take, but it looks like I’ll be heading down Barry Road most of the way, cut up towards Liberty and head out with 210 and Old 210 Highway… Most of it is small enough roads to ride on past Liberty going East/North so it’ll be good.

Since I’ve still got to pack and tons of things to take care of before I go this is going to have to be cut much shorter than I wanted it to be… but I did want to say to Jesse thank you for being awesome! I’ll be honest I was sort of worried about what you’d think about me going… which is odd for me in the first place since I don’t generally care what anyone thinks about what I do. I do care what you think, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.

Despite the fact that I’ve had to delay my bike excursion for one more week this week has been fantastic!   First off I got a kitty!  The kitty is great, she’s really adjusting to the new home and is getting to fighting the dogs and stuff so she’s been great.  I could go on forever about how great the new kitty is… but that’ll be some other time.  For now be satisfied to know that her name is Hiei (pronounced he-ay) it’s a Japanese word that means hidden shadow!  And she is to become a ninja kitten in due time.  It has also been great that my business is growing and surviving on its own… which is still all good and fun… but not the best part of this week.

The best part of this week came also with a blindside to my priorities.  Still living with my mommy, and working at home doing something that pays rather well I’ve never had to put much priority on anything other than my little business, myself, and entertainment for myself (computer games mostly).  God does fit in there somewhere too…. I’d love to lie and say he’s at the top of the priority list, but I’ve gotten into the habit of being rather honest on here, and lets face it I don’t make as much time for God as I should… especially seeing as I have all the time in the world to do basically whatever I want.  Most of the time after working on the website, or saturating my mind with the numbing effects of working on chainmail for several hours I’ll hop online and play some games to destress, or regain consciousness.  Believe me if you’ve ever sat around for 8 hours putting ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring onto a piece of chainmail (be it a necklace or a full shirt) you’ll know what I mean about losing consciousness.  I’ve found something else, much better than video games this week however to keep my mind occupied.

I always used to make fun of Jordan when we started up a game of CoH or WiC where you rely on your teammates 100% and he’d get called by his woman (as I often referred to her just to tease him I’m not sexist it was just fun to mess with him… I’d never say it to her). I’d get kind of frustrated with him since I was losing because he couldn’t concentrate… I’ve been more distracted this week than he’s ever shown… not in a bad way either; good distractions.  It sounds absolutely silly for me to say it now, but I’ve been waiting for 2 months for the game World in Conflict to come out (played the Beta 2 months ago and fell in love, since then have become addicted… until recently).  WiC was the greatest game for relieving stress because I am freaking good at it!  It’s a strategy game that I can just manipulate to my likings.  I can join a losing team and lead them to victory most any time because I’m good at organized attacking.  Anyways, I seriously played the game all the time… it officially came out Tuesday (mind you I had it pre-ordered 2 months in advance).  Now I wouldn’t mind getting my money back for it… because it’s not as good in the full release?  Absolutely not, it’s much better with many more maps which makes it much more exciting and engaging.  Thing is it went from being high on my priority list to dropping off the radar screen.  Thing is I only play games on the comp to get away for a while, some entertainment, and a little relaxation… that was replaced this week :-D  Now I have to say I don’t even understand why Jordan would stay in game to play with me… distracted as he might be, while talking to “his woman”  haha I can say that because she’s not really his anymore, they’re on a break right now… but looks to be breaking up… but anyways you guys don’t need to know all that.  Actually my distraction started as a MySpace friend request.  A girl from our church found me on MySpace (not that I knew it was her at the time, I was actually quite confused as to who it was when I saw the request).  We talked back and forth on MySpace for a couple of days and filled up each others pages with comments before starting to talk on YIM.  The freetime I’ve had where I’m not doing work for my business I’ve spent talking with her, and it has been great!  In fact tonight we’ve talked for nearly 8 hours straight now!  It’s been a great conversation the whole time though, we’ve talked about everything from her kids and how she’s raising them, to our lives, and pack rat natures.  I can’t even begin to put down how great it has been either… I love solid engaging conversations, and this has most definitely been that.

Ever since Snickers the warrior kitten died I’ve had a void in my life… a cat shaped void.  Which can only be filled with another kitten to be trained and brought up in the way of the warrior kitten.  There is one hopeful applicant to the program, a Siamese/Persian mix just becoming of age.  The real question is: do I name the new child of mine “Snickers the Warrior Kitten II” or come up with something else, just as unsuspecting and yet fierce as “Snickers” and tag “The Warrior Kitten” to the end of it?  Either way, I do need a new daughter, and I need one fast!  I miss my attack kitten…

I’m building a forge!!!  I don’t know how it happened but that last entry actually sort of, kinda, almost ended with a moral or point to the story.  This happens to me all the time, I go on these wild rants and end up actually making sense in the end.  But yeah, probably won’t on this one, if I do that’s amazing.  So anyways, I had said that there was a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to cram into the last entry, and definitely did not do so, forgot most of them before I even got to it.  By now you’re probably thinking “what in the world did that first sentence have to do with ANYTHING?” and the answer is absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything!  See I’ve been up for a while… well that’s a lie I actually just woke up, but when I wrote my last entry I had been up for about 32 hours more or less… went to bed shortly after that and layed in bed staring at my ceiling with thoughts of a forge or a new sword… For those of you who don’t know me I have troubles sleeping, so I layed there for a good 2 hours before starting to drift off to sleep, at which point Jordan called me and bugged me for a few minutes then says “Oh it’s ok, I understand the lack of sleep thing if you’d rather go back to sleep you don’t have to get up and play CoH with me.”  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!! He knows I have troubles sleeping… with me there is a small window of sleep every 8 hours I can go to sleep once every 8 hours and if I miss that window you may as well forget it because I’m up.  He kept me awake during that window and well… forget it.  So I got up and played CoH with him for a while and then went back to sleep.  Only slept two hours and now here I am again up, and ready to go!!!!!

Thing is I’m actually pretty excited about building a forge.  I figure that I can take the $400 that I was going to spend to finish up making Xandra (a chainmail shirt similar to the one I was wearing for my senior pictures that I use as my default picture for just about everything, but Xandra is long sleeved) and use it to build a small 8′ x 6′ shelter area and forge.  Then I’ll use the $800 I was going to spend on a new sword to buy an Anvil, blacksmiths charcoal, scrap metal, etcetera.  Then I’ll make my own swords and it’ll be freaking awesome!

Despite what you may be thinking, I am not telling the truth whatsoever.  Yes I do plan on building a forge, and yes one of my favorite things in life is planning.  I write business reports for fun, like honest to goodness business reports 50 pages long, researched and planned out perfectly for all sorts of businesses.  Planning truly is what I love to do… weird I know.  It’s one of the major reasons why my computers are always so good.  I don’t use the best components, nor do I have the money to if I wanted to, but my computers compete and often even beat a lot of peoples who have tons of cash to just throw around and buy the biggest baddest everything.  The reason is that I spend MONTHS building my computers, I research, plan, document, read reviews, and finally pick and choose the best components that work together and integrate nearly flawlessly.   I love planning building and designing… but when all is said and done I’m bored.  Heck often times when it comes to actually building I’m bored :-P  That’s why I’m having so much fun with the forge idea right now… With the sword there was a little planning and reading reviews but that’s all over now I’ve already decided that there is only one choice when it comes to buying a sword and that is Albion.  The forge on the other hand has ENDLESS possibilities only limited by my imagination… and believe me I’ve got enough of that.

The planning and designing is still not anything though.  I’m still lying to you.  Everything that I have said thus far is 100% true to my own knowledge, but that doesn’t mean I’m telling the truth.   I was on facebook the other da, which is a rarity because I see no advantage in Facebook.  It’s true, even with the fact that MySpace has destroyed almost all link quality by doing the stupid msplinks crap it is still possible to squeeze link quality of of MySpace by blogging on there… yes the blogs have yet to be infected with the msplinks plague.  However if we’re talking valuable social networking sites, there is really only one that deserves any mention and that is StumbleUpon!  Never seen anything so powerful, and you probably won’t for some time, especially with how strong the SU community has become.  Uh…. so none of this has ANYTHING to do with what I’m saying.  Anyways I was on Facebook and saw something that gave me a little hope for it and I thought that it might, just maybe be evolving into a usable site!  It was a lie.  In the time that I spent on the site I did get why people like to use it… or… well females, it truly is a female oriented site.  So much about it is targeted for females.  Facebook has plugins, extensions, and add-ons which is cool!  It’s kind of like open source… just not.  Open source still owns facebook but hey, at least they’re trying right?  I love plug-ins and extensions, why do you think I use firefox?  Sure the new IE7 is almost as good as firefox because they have tabs!  yeah… whatever you got tabs but can you actually utilize those tabs?  I thought not.  I also use Wordpress (if you don’t know what that is, it’s the blogging tool that I’m using right now, what this site is based off of the #1 blogging tool in the world for the simple reason that it is awesome!) mostly because it has a huge support group, and the plug-ins, extensions, and themes are endless for Wordpress.  So for those  of you that use Facebook I get it now… kind of, I still don’t get why you don’t get your own website and use Wordpress because you can use all the same kinds of extensions and add-ons but just in a much more powerful manor… but hey to each their own.  While on Facebook I got an idea though… one that may never be carried out, because I’m gutless.  And that is the truth of the matter, the one that I’ve been lying about this whole time.  If you refer back to my article “lies and deception” you will have a little better understanding of things.  Basically after considering it for some time it wouldn’t be bad to have a girlfriend… in fact I kinda like the idea :-P  not that I’ve ever really not liked the idea.  Now we get back to the planning thing, did I ever tell you that I love planning stuff?  Because I do.  On Facebook I found April’s profile, but even though I invited her as a friend I can’t even bring myself to say “Hi” dude, it’s a two letter word, two letters… two letters that could eventually spawn the whole relationship thing… but I can’t do it.  I don’t know why either… I mean there is a lot about me that is peculiar, and most people can’t or don’t want to deal with, I know what kinds of people those are and I stay away from them most of the time.  Like most people don’t understand my need for solitude and just annoy the crap out of me.  Most people don’t understand my obsession with Medieval times… I don’t know April well enough to what she is like, or how we’d be together… all it takes is two letters to find out… but I can’t do it.  In fact I already know that April is into Celtic dancing, and some other stuff that is totally awesome (because have I ever said that beyond just being obsessed with Medieval times I’m even more so passionate about my Celtic heritage?  Because I am.)

yup, so definitely don’t know how it happens but all of my posts always end up being about one thing.  I’ve got about 20 things that I want to talk about, the forge (which I’ve mentioned several times), April (just got that out, yay! lulz), uh… now I can’t even remember everything else that was supposed to be crammed into this, and the last entry… but later today, or tomorrow when I remember I’ll write another random entry that contains EVERYTHING that really contains nothing, and only is about one thing.