Cody

You know one fascinating thing about John Eldredge’s books to me is that I rarely ever get more than 2 pages without having to stop. I finished reading Wild at Heart a little while after returning from the bike trip, my mom wanted to read it because she saw how much it touched me. My mom doesn’t read this blog (she seems to be the only person I know anymore who doesn’t ) we talk about everything anyways so it’s not just a huge deal that she doesn’t read it here. Never the less she seems to be seeing a difference in me since I got back… which is good because she’s been encouraging the change. Like I said though she wanted to read it, figuring that I would take it with me when I move (which is a whole other story in itself) she went to rent it from the library, but they didn’t have it so she got what they did have The Way of the Wild Heart which is sort of a sequel to Wild at Heart and she didn’t want to read it until she read Wild at Heart so anyways I’ve now started reading The Way of the Wild Heart and just like when reading Wild at Heart I can’t get past more than a few paragraphs before I’ve got to stop. Stopping isn’t a bad thing in this situation… especially not with why I stop. You see I used to daydream all the time, seriously I used to spend 99% of my time daydreaming about… well everything. I used to design and invent truly awesome stuff all of which came from my spacing out while the world went about its business around me. When I’m reading through John’s books (we’re good friends now, I’ve spent enough time reading his stuff that we’re on a first name basis) I catch myself all the time stopping to look back and go… woah… I definitely don’t remember anything after that last paragraph… but it’s good, because I can envision practical ways that his words apply to my life…. which is something that I’ve not been able to do with anything that I’ve read, watched, or even written in a long time. It has also awoken a good many passions that I’ve let grow dormant over the years… well I guess I’m going to go back to reading now since I’ve not even made it through the introduction of the book yet

I’m really not getting Jordan right now… Jordan is freaked out and off balance being forced to move out at a time with no job, no money, and no real hope for any sort of change… I get that.  They got screwed over by a guy who was supposed to move in with them, but decided not to or rather was delaying so long that Jordan and Zach decided for him.  Jordan calls me up and asks if I would want to move out with them… we had talked about it before anyways… of course I’m ready to freaking get out, and more so to get away from Brook.  Granted I don’t see him a whole lot everybody here in the house still lives in his wake.  The kid seriously does leave a wake anywhere he goes, he destroys everything and has little to no respect for other peoples stuff.  Obviously stuff isn’t the most important thing in the world, I’m the kind of person that buys quality stuff to save money so I only have to buy it once… he’s awesome at destroying the indestructible though.  Seriously if you ever just need something broken and unusable for whatever reason just ask Brook to use it for a week or so and you won’t have to worry about being able to use it yourself ever again.  Actually the part I love is that you don’t even have to ask him, so long as I own it he’ll gladly find it to destroy.  I have to hide my toothbrush and my shavers… who wants to use another persons toothbrush?  or shaver for that matter?  He’d much rather spend his money on booze and poker so never has a new toothbrush and rarely shavers…. so when he sees a new toothbrush in the bathroom, well it’s new so it is obviously his right?  Yeah, well that’s his mentality, anything brand new in the house obviously belongs to him, and I’m sick of buying good stuff that I never get to use because it’s broken, used up, or just plain violated.  My mom got another computer for them since I’m going to be “moving out” right… that’s another story that I’ll finish here in a minute.  Anyways, I was more than ecstatic to move my computer to my room as to avoid the daily ritual of spending 3-4 hours before I can get to work cleaning virii, spyware, adware, root-kits, and whatever other “fun” little programs Brook decided to pick up the night before surfing the internet… Generally speaking I usually get done cleaning up my computer in preparation to work right about the time that I’ve got a naggy guy sitting on the couch by me begging to use the computer.  So it was more than a joy to move the computer out of his grasp.  Unfortunately the 50 ft Cat 5e cable I had is very picky and seems to hate nVidia chipsets so it won’t connect to the internet.  It was a home made cable and for some reason the nVidia controllers won’t detect the connection… I went ahead and ordered one online that could read from my room downstairs so that I can connect to the internet and not have to share my computer with the destroyer.

Back to the moving out issue… Jordan happens to be a bit off balance, caught off guard you might say with being forced to move.  This is completely understandable, however his actions recently are not.  They need a third person in the house to relieve pressure from bills and such… obviously why they turned to me.  My problem is that I have no money… Jordan knows this and therefore doesn’t want me to move in until I do have some sort of income.  Recently he’s put in a proposal to work with a company that Joel has been working for a while now.  Jordan’s going to be making good money, but can’t exactly deliver everything he has promised without my mind numbing experience… and believe me if you had done what I’ve done for the experience you’d know how mind numbing it can be… Jordan hates that aspect of the job, sometimes I do as well, but oddly enough some of it that drives him crazy actually appeals to my obsessive compulsive nature and I have tons of fun with it (maybe that’s why I have over 1,500 blogs).  Therefore out of what he is going to be making he’s going to pay me as an employee… good stuff right?  Problem is that the proposal hasn’t been accepted yet, therefore there is no guarantee of anything yet… and that scares Jordan.  Because he’s unsure of things he won’t let me move in… which still doesn’t make any sense.  I can’t get a job around here if I’m going to be living out there… I can’t get a job out there living over here… I can’t get my car running without some sort of job… Now I have no problem with walking or ridding my bike to and from a job when I worked at Subway I rode my bike to and from work for 6 months with out any problem.

Now comes the other magical problem.  Do I trust God?  Seriously… It wasn’t long ago that I was putting up posts about how I’m going to do things how God designed me and stick it out as an artist of some sort.  So because of the car accident, and the bike trip all the extra money I had that was to be used in building a forge is gone… So that part of my art won’t be realized for some time.  Business with Archmaille Designs hasn’t picked up… at all… despite all the work I’ve done and getting onto the second page of google for big terms like “Sterling Silver Jewelry” and even just “Silver Jewelry” and traffic to my site more than doubling… there is still no business.  Luckily I’m a man of many skills also able to do SEO work, Website design, computer building/fixing/customization… and none of this is doing me any good.  Thing is I think I’m starting to get a little too comfortable with the idea of a “real job”.  Obviously the idea comes from a lack of confidence in my self… every time I start to work and think about getting something done for my little businesses I hear that voice in the back of my head that says “Dude what are you doing?  You know there is no money in that, you shouldn’t even bother.”  But when it really comes down to it the fear is much deeper than just listening to those voices who have said in the past that I can’t do it, it’s a fear and mistrust that God isn’t going to take care of me.  Now in the last 2 months I’ve seen God do amazing things, and even taken care of my finances down to the last penny.  Unfortunately in 15 days that last penny will be gone… exactly… and then 5 days after that I’ve got other bills to pay… If I got a job right now I could make things work and have the money to pay for everything… but do you see where the problem with that statement is?  If I got a job right now I could take care of myself.  The statement should be if I submit to God and allow Him to work in my life He will take care of me.  God has always taken care of me in the past… however he has always taken care of me before there was a problem… I’d be like “Sweetness!!! Extra money!!! I can do something fun and exciting with this” next thing I know I’m in a car accident that nevermind the fact that it wasn’t my fault I still have to pay a ticket, go to driving school, pay for the driving class… etc. etc. etc. God has taken care of me in the past before I could even see a problem… so why can’t I trust him to take care of me now that I see the problem ahead, and God has plenty of time to work?  I’ve seen God take care of months worth of issues in a day… now he’s got 20ish days and I’m worried He’s not going to come through?  The real problem is that it is true that I could take care of this situation… it wouldn’t be how I wanted things, and definitely a slight variation from what God designed me for… but I could take care of it.  The thing that really bothers me the most is that I know where my downfall is… and I still want to do it anyways.  Just like we were talking about in Mens Group tonight reading through Romans where Paul says that he hates what he does, and he knows that he hates it, but he still does the hated thing anyways…

In short I’ve been very anxious this week… Jess has seen most of this anxiety played out in irrational fears of mine… I just sort of needed someone to talk to, and with everybody busy, me not able to get to updating my blog (ok, so I could of, but I HATE the keyboard and mouse on this computer) so everything has just sat inside and made me more nervous and anxious.

I love the line from Stranger than Fiction where Ana Pascal is explaining to Harold Crick how she got to being a baker from going to Harvard Law School then says to him “So I decided that I would change the world with cookies.”  That statement is so profound, and so amazingly true.  So many people just never get it though… they think that the only way to change the world, the only way to make a difference is to join some great “cause” or devote their life to a monastery… when in actuality it starts with a batch of fresh baked cookies.  Who are the most effective people in history?  Just to list a few we’ve got Beethoven, Hans Zimmer, Nikola Tesla, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Bach, Albert Einstein, etc.  But what did these people actually add to society?  I mean seriously… nothing they did or created was, or is necessary to human existence… Some of them made our lives more convenient such as Nikola Tesla, and Henry Ford… some of them added beauty to our lives like Hans Zimmer, and Beethoven… but still yet none of these things are absolutely necessary for life, or are they?  Are we programmed by God to always excel and change, redefining and extending the definition of what beautiful is?  I like to think that the reason these people were so efficient at what they did is because they were doing exactly what God made them to do, they pushed the world aside and distinctly said they were doing not what the world said it needed (have you ever heard someone telling a small child they should be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician so that they could change the world and make lots of money?) they pushed aside what their parents told them to be, they pushed aside what their neighbors said they should be, they strove through times of extreme poverty to pursue their passions… Where as many people have said such endeavors are fruitless and vein… but I say differently.  I say that these people actually got it, most of which weren’t Christians, and I also say there is no mistake about that.  Sadly enough the church often is one of the biggest offenders when it comes to allowing people to do what God created them to do.  If you think about how up until recently the Catholic Church was the dominant denomination for followers of Christ… the whole hierarchy and system of the Catholic Church is dead set on limiting the creativity of God.  Pillar’s song Frontline which I’ve got on my MySpace profile says in the beginning “I’d be willing to bet that if we don’t back down in the end we’ll be the ones holding the crown” Of course Pillar is a Christian band, and they’re talking about standing on the front lines of Gods war against evil, but I think this is a huge part of that.  How can someone doing a job that they’re not made for, or trained for be anywhere near as effective as someone who was born to be who they are?  I like the quote from the movie 300 (even though I did have a few qualms with the historical accuracy of the movie) where the two Greek armies meet up and the one commander says “Why did you bring so few warriors?” Leonidas proceeds to ask those brought with Daxos what their professions were, farmers, potters, all normal professions.  Then Leonidas asks the Spartans what their profession was they respond “Ha-ooh Ha-ooh Ha-ooh” and Leonidas says “You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.” It makes a difference when you’re doing what you were made to do, as opposed to doing what the world tells you they need done.  The world isn’t changed by doctors, politicians, lawyers, and others in positions of power… the world is changed by artists who follow their dreams and do what they were designed for.  I’ve used the quote before, but I still love it from the movie Man on Fire Creasy’s friend say’s “A man can be an artist at anything, Creasy’s art is death… and he is about to paint his masterpiece.”  That is such an awesome line!  A man truly can be an artist at anything, and if you’re not living out your art you’re probably dying each day little by little.  I recently got an email from a Christina Lee who found my website from some article on a jewelry website… I’ve gotten a lot of praise from large websites that I have no clue how they even found out about me, but they write these awesome stories about my work and what I do… but anyways Christina wrote me an email saying that she loved how I stood for Christ in my work, and also that she really liked my work.  Her and her husband a few years ago finally quit their jobs as she describes to “Return to the gifts and talents that God gave us.” She makes glass beads and jewelry out of that along with silk paintings, and her husband makes beautiful handcrafted guitars!  She goes on to describe how they’re moving into a studio loft in a neighborhood of artists, they’re literally the 40th art studio to go into the neighborhood and how it is such a blessing to be a missionary to that artists community.  It’s like what John Eldredge says… we need to quit asking what the world needs, and start asking what makes us come alive because what the world really needs is real men, and real women who are alive in what they do.

Ok… so I’ve not really organized my thoughts in any way shape or form… but I’m going to publish this as is because that was the original plan… and I’m not going to get any time where I feel like working that I don’t need to be working on my website anyways. Some items of note, first off most of this was simply a guided journal while out in the wild (so to speak) alone, with only the company of God, and Wild at Heart the book I took with me. It’s evident that I was very impacted by the book Wild at Heart, but highly doubt that I would of been if it weren’t for the crossroad that I am facing, and the reason I took the trip. So much of this comes from reading a couple of paragraphs and then me going off and writing my own thing of thoughts and ideas that were spurred while reading. The other thing of note is that I got the idea at some point that I should share some of my journey experiences with the church… actually get my journal in order and ask Jim if I could share my experience from the trip… I still like the idea, and may still do so, but much of that depends upon the response I get from you guys, I know that much of what is said in here is God speaking to me… my question to you is do I share my testimony with those beyond my small circle of friends, or is it more just relevant to me, and maybe some other guys… does it impact you at all? Or is it just a journal from one man in a “you’d have to be there” sort of fashion? Obviously there is a great deal of organization needed… if I were to share this my day 1 entry would be one of the concluding thoughts… even though it worked well as an opener for me at the time. Also please excuse the grammatical errors… I generally look at the screen while I’m typing and easily spot things, but I’ll be staring at the notebook the whole time typing as fast as I can so there will be many mistakes since I don’t stop to fix anything until it’s done… and I hate proofreading so it will mostly be what is marked for spelling errors that is fixed

Day 1

I cam expecting God to do miraculous things with this trip. I came expecting to be invited into homes & impact lives. I came expecting to be fed with manna from heaven (so to speak) and my thirst quenched by endless springs. I found something else instead; I found my heart. I found where my heart resides, and it has put my soul at ease that I may share it with Jesse and her two beautiful children. Thank you God! Thank you for my heart.

Day 2

Morning: I am awoken to the chirping of birds and soft patter of droplets sliding off the leaves my body feels restored, and I can begin again, in need of a clean water source however.

2pm: Remind me to never take any sort of short cuts again… 10 hwy seemed to end as the pavement went straight north with another name… Instead of following the paved road I kept going east on a gravel road that twisted, turned and finally lead back to the road I was on. My shortcut lost me an hour and gave me a flat tire… which lost me even more time.

Night: I was thinking about presenting my journey here to the church & rehearsing what I might say. I was going over what I loved about Ren. Faire but how it is “no way to make a living”. Then I went on to how that phrase is funny because when people talk about “a living” they aren’t really talking about living, they’re talking about money… can money really give you life; happiness; joy; satisfaction; health? How many of you truly feel alive at your jobs? Now for the rest of you without your hands up my advice to you would be to get out. Get out and discover where your heart resides. And for those of you that would say to me that you need money to survive… I must ask you: is mere survival your only goal in this life? I don’t think that I could stand being in a spiritual coma for the rest of my life. Survival *scoffs* I don’t want to survive I want to live. I would rather spend the rest of my days living in a cardboard box living as God intended than to slip away dying a little more each day inside a cubicle.

- Shortcuts are not your friend. But you know I think the reason men don’t like to ask for directions (other than Otis) is because they like being lost. They like to explore, and they want to satisfy th urge to find their own path. They just want to know if they can do it… you know had I not found my way back to the road I would have been majorly discouraged to backtrack the hour I spent twisting and turning through farmlands of Missouri. That time spent was an adventure, an adventure of “can I do it?” and even though I didn’t get exactly where I wanted to go my instincts were correct when I found my way back to “civilization”.

- I’ve struggled with pornography for a long time now… and what God has revealed to me is that it comes mostly from my fear of inadequacy. I don’t feel like a real man around a woman. When a cute girl asks what I do, I tell them that “I do freelance website work for Viacom and I run my own business” in the deepest manliest voice I can with a puffed out chest… then I sink down inside and my soul hides as I pray that they don’t ask any questions about either of my “jobs”. As neither makes great money, and I’ve been told for so long that doing what I want to do what makes me come alive, and happy is a selfish endeavor. So as a second act to this tragedy I go on to not only fake the lifestyle, but I also fake the relationship.

Thinking about how much I love the movie Kingdom of Heaven. The scene where the priest says to ballian: “Who do you think you are? Do you think that making a man a knight makes him a better fighter?” To this Ballian simply answers “Yes.” then he turns and walks away. A man with an identity is something fiersome to behold indeed. After a life of living in a system of haves and have nots Ballian released these men from the slavery of this system and let them be simply… men. Give a man an identity, and a purpose and I would like to see you stop him from changing the world.

Day 3

Morning: thinking about sharing the first journal entry and after putting it down to say “I’ve become a pretty Stoic person. That’s what a ‘good man’ should be these days right; stoic. It seems our society wants a docile, tame, and subdued man. I used to get in trouble in high school just for doing things differently. You see I like to be under the gun & learn best that way too. I didn’t do homework ever in high school because it hurt my grades more than anything else. I don’t need repetition to remember and memorize things, my brain works like a recorder and I can regurgitate exact mental snapshots of just about any moment I need to. I knew that as long as I got 100% on all of my tests and did a few projects here and there I would pass any class. So that is exactly what I did. They would call me into the office weekly sometimes more often to remind me that without doing my homework I would fail all my classes. My response to them was always the same and simply that obviously I wouldn’t. I needed and thrived on that pressure that if I didn’t ace the next test it was likely that I would fail… and failure simply isn’t an option for me. People trying to encourage me would say things like ‘high school doesn’t matter in the whole scheme of things and college will get a lot better.’ or that ‘ah high school is crap full of drama once you get into the work force you’ll fit right in.’ Problem is that I don’t want to fit in, and from my experiences those people were all dead wrong. I still get in trouble for doing things the way God designed me, and creativity is still frowned upon when it differentiates too much from ‘the way it has always been done’ and I can’t help but wonder if these people didn’t just flatline before or during these events. Maybe they just grew numb to their surroundings before they got to college, or the work force. maybe all we have left in America is numb people.”

- Overcoming the “who am I?” syndrome. Packing up to head home and thinking about asking Jim to share this message my mind instantly wandered to the “who am I?” statement. I began to wonder who am I to address a congregation mostly older and wiser than myself. Who am I to lecture when there are those in the crowd more suited for public speaking. Then God butted in on my conversation with myself to add “Who are you to think that these words are your own?” it was as if God was saying “I have given you these words and I have given you the desire to share these words with others go and do so without fear.”

My bag was packed, my sleeping back stuffed into its sack, tent neatly folded and in its carrying bag. I went to get my bike… exhausted and alone, ten miles from town A and ten from town B in opposite directions. As I began to roll my bike over to pack up and head home. Moving the bike I quickly heard the sloppy sound of rubber folding on itself and acknowledged that I once again had a flat tire. Using my only spare tube yesterday I was now going to be forced to spend another night under the radio tower less than 50 yards from the road and another 5 to the train tracks. Glad I had it, but puzzled to its existence the more I got into using it, I dug the patch kit from my pack. Patch kits truly are bittersweet and ironic. The instructions call for a clean dry surface… my question to you is… have you ever seen these conditions in nature? Yeah… I’ll just use this dew covered leave here to clean off my tire, and set it out in the sun to dry… then you have to let the glue for the patch dry for several hours… several hours… this is beginning to sound like anything but an emergency tool. And who wants to use a patch kit at home? An inner tube costs $2!!! If you don’t have $2 you’ve got bigger problems than a flat tire.

I had sort of a falling out expirience with my dad at a crucial age of 16. I was battling the schools because they didn’t understand why I was doing things as I was, and I kept it going as I now understand because I needed the assurance that I could not only do things my way but that I was tough enough to survive a fight with those tyrants that controlled life so systematically… I was smart enough to know that winning was a long shot. They began to understand that I simply was not going to conform to their system, and began looking for any excuse to kick me out. The final blow came after a rough weekend where as in John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart he describes how a young man in his teens if not released by his mother and taken by his father will try to separate himself often violently. The weekend before I had run away from home to spend the night in the caves down in Parkville. Although before this harsh words were exchanged between my mother and myself… this running away was about me proving to myself that I no longer needed her… I wanted her to get the same message. That Monday at school I wasn’t over anything even less willing to bend than usual. At some point I was sent to the principals office a place I was not unfamiliar with. Upon searching my backpack they found a set of miniature files and pliers that I use for making chainmail. The 65 day out of school suspension that followed for possession of weapons was discussed among our family to be kept secret from my dad as he had already been angered over the shorter terms of suspension earlier that year. Since at the time I was unequipped to share with anyone why I had been battling with the school it was agreed to be best kept secretive. One night at the movie theatre with my dad an acquaintance from school spots me and yells over to me “Hey Cody! How are you, haven’t seen you in forever…” My heart sunk praying that my dad either didn’t hear or didn’t understand the implications of that statement. The ride home is a trip that I probably will never be able to forget. My dad waited until we were on the highway to open fire questioning why he hadn’t seen me forever… like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck I remained silent. Then followed the threats: “If you don’t answer me I’ll beat you until you wished you were dead.” or “If you don’t come up with something quick I’ll open that door and push you out of this car.” As anger grew inside of me I wanted more and more for him to take action to those threats. If he wasn’t going to give me the affirmation of the questions every boy asks for “do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” I was prepared to take the affirmation myself. After this I went home and cried for almost 3 days straight… but I didn’t really know why… I finally get it 5 1/2 years later I understand that my heart was stolen on that night, and my spirit crushed. Simply by not answering those vital questions for me “Am I tough enough? do I have what it takes? Am I a man?” My earthly father left a hole where my heart should be. I’ve since reconciled my relationship with him but still keep my distance.

- I babysit for these two boys who are 9 and 10 now, Zach and Chance. Whenever I ‘m around their favorite game to play is “war house” as they have named it. It is basically “team up to beat the crap out of cody” I never quite got the point… nor why they couldn’t just fight with one another but I guess it equates to “am I tough enough?” they see me as this guy who makes armor lives as they did in the days of the knights… so what better testing ground to find out if they are tough enough. I only now wonder if I do a good enough job affirming their questions.

- There is no mistake why this bike trip was a part of my walk with God, and not taking the “safe” route. God wanted to show me that if I truly wanted to get my heart back, if I truly wanted to live my life as he designed… I was going to have to fight for it, not once, or every now and again… I will have to fight for it every day of my life.

- I am knowing now that I have never been satisfied with any relationship for long because I was looking for my heart. Without even knowing I was looking for my heart I searched high and low from girlfriend to girlfriend leaving each abruptly when I found that they did not ever have my heart.

- Apologies are in order to Tiana and others you have dated in search of your heart, and the validation of your father. In addition give Jesse permission to dump you or slap you or whatever it takes to get my attention if she ever feels like I am coming to her for validation. Well… I guess I’ve got to ask her out first before she can dump me. (Right so not only do I talk to myself out loud but also started to do so in my journal. Anyways, Jess I know you’re reading this so even though I’ve been typing just exactly as things have been written in my journal you do have my permission… not that you ever needed it, but it’s more something to look for that would be problemous for us.)

As supplement to the Day 2 Entry 3 add “I for one would rather die than live as a slave.” -Robinhood? Terribly misquoted and can’t remember the movie for sure, just can see Kevin Costner’s face zoomed in as he says something like that. Most people would say that they’re not a slave… then when your boss walks in the room and asks for those progress reports and you reply “yes sir! Right away sir!” mmhmm… right… I see no slave at all.

Day 4

I am glad for the day of rest, but I’m ready to be home. Hopefully things will be smooth as I make my way there… because honestly I’d like for someone to carry me home. But this is what God designed us for isn’t it? To persevere against all odds… we are to offer our strength to others, not borrow it, or steal theirs… God prove to me that I still have strength left.

(in reference to the underlined statement) - Why did I say that?!?! Never, ever, ever again make a statement so reckless as that! God prove to me that I still had strength left… but he also brought me to the point of none… and back again. This day started and ended with painful and exhausting trials a lot of bitterness and hatred flew from my mouth at things as silly as the wind. I finally realized that I was asking the wrong questions and started to ask “God what are you trying to teach me from this?” as uposed to the earlier “God why me, why now? I am weak and tired.” it became crystal when I opened this journal at the end of the day and saw my entry from earlier. As my strength faded throughout the day I even became angry at God for not answering my question… little did I know all I needed to do was stop and read.

the day 5 entry is just describing events of that day… which I’ve already done, and I’m tired of typing

Alright so I’ve mentioned Jesse a few times on here because we’ve been talking a lot lately and I really like her.  I really like her and her two little ones.  Yesterday was an amazing day.  Earlier this week Jesse had asked if I wanted to go to the Native American Festival down in Riverside, sounded good to me and anything hanging out with Jesse is great.  So after church we went to McDonalds and ate, then off to the festival.  We ended up getting rained on a little bit, but got inside before it started pouring down.  I got to meet one of Jesse’s friends Heather, and her husband… unfortunately I’m horrible with names so I don’t remember his name.  But the five of us went on to Coldstone for some ice cream, then to the Disney store so Brie could run around for a little bit.  After that we parted with Heather and her husband, then went over to my house to “drop me off” and let Brie see my kitty kat.  We just hung out for a little while and afterwards went over to Jesse’s grandparents house, finally concluding the night with Jesse bringing me back before heading home herself.  Even though me and Jesse don’t get to be terribly affectionate most of the time chasing after Brie, or holding Tristen… I just love being around them.  I like Jesse a lot and being around her helping her take care of the kids is more of a blessing than I could ever ask for… but the end of the night is always the best.  I love the goodbye hug from Jesse… not that I like saying goodbye, but when she puts her arms around me I just want to squeeze her tight and protect her from everything.  Being with her really does make me wish I had the means to take care of them financially so that Jesse could go with her passions of a more artistic career.  Trying to follow my own artistic passions I know that it’s tough, and even more so living on your own with little ones to take care of.  Maybe one day a couple years from now it will be possible… I know God gives me what I need, sometimes it seems to be barely that, but it’s always what I need, nothing more, nothing less.  I’ve become content with that, and I am very content with the gorgeous girl he’s sent me.

Yes I know I’ve still not compiled my journal… been busy getting Archmaille Designs promoted online.  Currently 17th place for the term “silver jewelry” Woot!!! Which gets 30,000 searches a month according to Yahoo and just moved up to 20th place for “sterling silver jewelry” which is good too… but until I break top 10 I may as well be in 100th place still since the top 10 are the only ones that really get hits… it’s funny how people are, they want the search engines to do all the work for them, they don’t want to have to actually look for something :-P  So if it’s not on the first page it may as well not exist… but soon my site shall be so long as I keep on it.

Alright, I’m finally getting to actually telling the story of the trip… most of you have heard it, but for those of you who have not here it is. The trip started out really good, I followed Barry Road all the way into Liberty where it ends and I had to turn onto 152, followed that to N and went out that until I reached EE and was going to go all the way to Old 210 but that was closed off where I was so I had to take 210 out. Anyways it still worked out well because as you’ve seen in the pictures I got to stay outside of Cooley Lake (still don’t believe it really exists) on the shores of the Missouri River. This was the only time that I actually stayed in a designated camping area. After that I rode about 65-70 miles further east on 210/10 highway. I didn’t get as far the first day as I had hoped because I left at noon and had to stop by some places for some last minute food supplies and stuff. After a while 10 takes an abrupt turn north… which I didn’t want to go, everything I was looking for was south and east of where I was… so I kept going straight on some gravel roads… eventually I gave in and turned north to meet back up with 10 but not without getting a nice sized thorn in my front tire. I had to take care of it on the side of the road using the only spare inner tube that was with me. After which I went another 10 miles or so and stayed the night under the radio tower. In the morning getting ready to head out my rear tire was flat!!! so I patched it…. which was an all day event because you must allow the glue for the patches to dry for several hours. So I stayed another night under the tower and really didn’t “fix” the tire at all it was just a slower leak now. Either way I had to come back because you can’t ride 400 miles on a tire that must be aired up every 5 miles… Making it back about 20 miles or so the pressure from constantly airing it up got to the tire and the valve stem separated from the rubber… not exactly something that you can fix, and especially not on the side of the road. I used duct tape to create enough of a seal to hold 5-10 PSI on a light load. So now I was airing the tire up as I went along while walking…. I walked a good 20 miles or so and was resting at one point. I just layed down on the side of the road with my bike beside me… didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, there was nothing to sit on, and my feet were killing me. After a little while I got back up and started to head out again… 3 cop cars flew by with their sirens on, then a fire/rescue truck, then an ambulance… I was just thinking it would suck to be out there in the country if you had an emergency because it would take FOREVER for them to get to you… heck there was nothing behind me, and the nearest town in front of me was another 5 miles (from the direction they came too). Then as I’m just rounding this hill the fire/rescue truck pulls in behind me… I stopped and kind of staired at them as they chatted away on their radio, but weren’t getting out to say anything… I was a little worried since it’s illegal to ride your bike on the highway… and although a small road 10 highway where I was is still technically a highway… After a while they finally stepped out and asked if I was ok and everything… still confused I just told them what was going on and that I was fine. Then they explained to me that someone had called in that there was a motorcycle accident or something on the side of the road. Alright first off what kind of jerk does that? “Oh hey, there might be someone dying on the side of the road but I’ve got to get to wal-mart so I’m not going to see whats going on or if they need help I’m just going to call 911 and let someone who’s a minimum of 5 miles away handle the situation that I’m right next to.” Thanks jerkoff… No seriously… besides the fact that I was fine and calling 911 was a waste of valuable resources that could save someones life what if I was hurt and bleeding to death on the side of the road? Even if you’ve got minimal knowledge of first aid just staying with that person and keeping them concious for the 5 - 10min that it takes for an EMS to arrive could save their life.

Yeah, so enough of my rant and back to the story. After the fire/rescue truck arrived and they finally got out and asked what was going on the ambulance arrived and they got out to see what was up as well. They kept asking if I needed anything and I finally said “well if you’re willing to give me a ride that would be awesome.” I figured it was a long shot but it never hurts to ask right? One of the EMS guys was like “yeah sure!…” *looks over at his partner* she just says “I don’t give a crap if we give him a ride” so they stuck my bike into the back of their ambulance and headed back to the town. They explained to me that if they got a call they’d have to dump me on the side of the road… and honestly I didn’t care, anywhere they dumped me was further than where I was at the moment After eating at the Subway, and waiting around for a while I had most of my strength back and started out again for another 10 miles or so in the dark. I said to myself that I would walk day and night until I reached home not stopping for anything and contemplated leaving my bike since the only thing it was good for was transporting my tent and sleeping bag which I wasn’t in need of anymore… a couple of hours later I stopped to rest and nearly fell asleep… unfortunately the ground wasn’t flat so I had to keep going until I found flat ground… any flat ground. The nearest thing I found was outside of this corn field there was a grassy area… which proved to be wicked comfortable too all the grass layed over under my tent was not only insulating from the cold ground but it was squishy! I woke up late that morning at about 7am since I got to bed so late in attempt to walk all night. After a bad start I started packing up quick and realized that I was also out of water… I saw a building nearby and went to it, it turned out to be a Jehovah’s witness church so I tried to sneak on get some water and leave before people started to show up… somehow it got to be 10am and as I was filling my many water containers (I carried about a gallon and a half of water at all times on the trip) here comes a couple of vans. They kept me around and were talking to me trying to convince me to come in for the meeting… I didn’t really want to and only finally agreed when one of the guys said that he would give me a ride if I stayed for the service… sounded like a deal to me! So that’s what I ended up doing, and I was glad to shave off the last 50 miles that would of taken 2 more days walking.

The journalings from the trip will be published later…. wish I could of gotten everything up faster, but seeing as I usually publish something on here once every 6 days or so seems I’m doing fairly well.  Now it is off to walk to the bike shop to get a new inner tube… I really don’t want to… I’ve been putting it off all week.  I need to go to the UPS store and send off my PSU so that I can get a new one (thank goodness for 7 year unlimited warranties!) and I also need to mail off a bracelet for one of my friends in Texas… which the post office and the UPS store are at opposite ends of the spectrum so I really need my bike… I just don’t want to walk… no problem with ridding my bike 50 miles to get some errands done… but walking just no fun.  That’s why I’ve been putting it off all week… don’t know if I’ll get anything other than getting the inner tube though since I still have TONS of work to do here online… and walking cuts a good hour at least out of my schedule.

Ok, here’s the physical results of the trip! I really didn’t take as many photo’s as I had planned… but here’s what I got anyways. Maybe a duplicate here and there… for the most part I took what I had and just processed them to a much smaller resolution for here, and so yeah… this is just what I captured on film on the trip… and coming up at some point in time I’ll have everything else up (still need to do TONS of work on my new site www.applymyway.com and have to upgrade all my blogs to WordPress 2.3 so might take me a while to compile my journal I brought with me into a blog entry… but when I do it’s going to be a LONG entry.)

Little spot off of Barry road where it ends and I had to turn onto 152 for a short while… although I didn’t it to most of my trip actually ended up being on the highway (small Missouri highways, it’s illegal to ride on interstates, although sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be safer than some of the sections of 10 highway I was on)

Alright, I was just wondering on this one, how many kids do you have to have in order to get that sign put in front of your house? I mean seriously… Oh… and by the way if you didn’t notice I like random stuff, so a lot of the pictures I took were just random things that intrigued me (heck if I wanted to I could of taken 1800 pictures on this trip).

haha more random, miniature ponies…

Vastness that you just never notice until you’re moving at 15mph

That sign is a lie!!!!! I went down the road that sign points to and there is NOTHING I was dead tired by the time I made it here and uh… well let’s say that Cooley Lake is a myth.

Still unsure where Cooley Lake is… the name may sound refreshing and nice… but it doesn’t exist so don’t bother. But that sign there (about 1/4 mile down the road from the other one) is less of a trick. Still no Cooley lake, but this was the place I camped out the first night, it leads to a little fishing spot for the Missouri River and that’s where I stopped for the night the first night.

Home sweet home away from home! I thought walking across the silt that it would be great for sleeping on because it’s soft and kind of nice to walk in… definitely not so though, once you’ve got a tarp on it, it packs like cement under you.

Starting to look a little more like my room

I never want to see peanut butter again… haha ok, well maybe again, but not without some jelly. Why peanut butter? That’s simple, with the peanut butter and vanilla wafer sandwiches I made that equals nearly 200 calories per bite… each jar of peanut butter contains the calories needed to live for 2 days of very hard word, and it packs easily. Eating off of the knife… well doesn’t seem so bad, I do it at home too that knife is my utensil (I love the teflon coating on the blade nothing ever sticks)… out there where it’s been strapped to my sweaty hip all day, covered by my sweaty shirt, used for everything else a knife is used for, and no way to wash it… yeah it’s a little bit gross, but we try not to think about that.

Moonage, I woke up at 2am because I got to bed at like 10pm and honestly thought it was morning the moon was so bright the tent just looked like it was daylight. Stayed up and read then went back to sleep.

Stinks you can’t really see it in the photo, but this is what I woke up to. The mist was awesome! Being not more than 25ft away from the Missouri River the mist cover was thick, it only barely shows in this picture, but this was the view from my front door.

Dew covered spider web.

I was ridding and tried to get a picture of my shadow… it was a lot cooler looking down where I could look past my arm… but oh wellz, I was going down a hill and started going faster so one hand off the bars wasn’t working very well and I just snapped the shot real quick as best as I could. You can tell it’s still morning because I’ve still got my hoodie on After the morning when the sun would warm up it was t-shirt time.

Like I said, I like random things. This pool is seriously miles away from everything, and it’s not like it is abandoned or anything, it’s very well maintained just sitting randomly in this field with no access road or anything…

In a car when you can see this far it’s cool, on a bike that far point you can see where the road turns is 10-20mins away!

eh, there was a cool looking swamp on the side of the road but I was still going down hill and couldn’t get the camera out and on in time to take the pic… it’s barely caught on the left side, but it wasn’t worth stopping or going back for.

ugh!! Gravel roads are no fun… they turn and go in circles around these fields and never lead to anywhere of importance!!! That’s one thing when planning this trip using Google Earth satellite maps to plan everything I didn’t account for… and I just thought it was the satellite image making them look gray

fixing the first flat

So… as it turns out it takes 450 pumps with that little pump to fill my tires to 65PSI (higher PSI makes for harder tires and easier rolling resistance, saves on gas mileage… or manpower in this case)

That’s my radio tower… or at least it was for the couple of days I slept there by it… it talked to me in the middle of the night, I’d wake up and there would be voices coming from inside…

nice little shaded cove for the tent.

Cool little tree by where I was. I wanted to climb up it and sit up on one of the branches but just never did… I was too tired to be climbing.

haha, gotta love timed shots, even though I don’t use it often, they’re fun.

Taking pictures of the sunset with different camera settings.

Moonage! (I think this was in the morning… the sun was coming up, but the moon was still up as well)

had to of been in the morning for the land to of been that bright.

longest most disgustingly flat section of road in Missouri!!!!! No road should be straight and flat in missouri… that’s just no fun! Not to mention it’s seriously like a 20 mile section of nothing but soybeans… if I never see a soybean plant again it’ll be too soon.

This picture isn’t a trick I swear… if you’ve got an LCD you might have to look at it from a couple of different angles but on the left side there’s the big dipper. The shot is actually kind of doubled some of the stars look like they are there twice… must of moved or something, I set the camera on my chest pointed to the big dipper held my breath and set the shutter speed for 15 seconds.

Since I had the shutter speed for 15 seconds I may as well of got some shots of the passing traffic.

I meant to take this before I was packed up, but that was the morning of day 5 just showing how tired I was to sleep right next to the freaking highway… Of course the radio tower was only about 50 yards from the highway, and another 5 to the train tracks… and they run trains ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! You really get used to it, especially spending 2 days there, but the first couple of times it scared the poodidleys out of me when I was falling asleep and a train came by and blasted their horn.

This is a shot from the Johavah’s Witness church I happened to camp outside of… tried sneaking on and getting some water from the faucet outside then going on my way… but sleeping in that day from being up so late, I just didn’t make it… they kept begging me to come in and listen to the sermon and I finally agreed when one of the guys said they’d give me a ride if I stayed.

So most of you know the story… but I’ll tell it in full later. For now be happy that I’ve at least made progress and put up the pictures

There’s my organization skills for you… I pile everything I need up in the hallway then start filling the backpack… whatever doesn’t fit must not of been that important in the first place
The “plan” is still to ride as far as possible hopefully making New Franklin, MO before sundown (New Franklin is where I intend to meet up with the Katy Trail). Ride the Katy Trail to the end and maybe find a place to cross and go over to Wentzville where I’ll find Rotary Park and go to the St. Louis Ren. Faire site where Pirate Fest is going on! But if I can’t find it that isn’t really a huge deal. I’ve still got a bit of planning to do as far as the exact course I’m going to take, but it looks like I’ll be heading down Barry Road most of the way, cut up towards Liberty and head out with 210 and Old 210 Highway… Most of it is small enough roads to ride on past Liberty going East/North so it’ll be good.

Since I’ve still got to pack and tons of things to take care of before I go this is going to have to be cut much shorter than I wanted it to be… but I did want to say to Jesse thank you for being awesome! I’ll be honest I was sort of worried about what you’d think about me going… which is odd for me in the first place since I don’t generally care what anyone thinks about what I do. I do care what you think, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.

This last month has been odd for me… Not to say that there haven’t been very good things about this month, but it has still been odd. First off it has been a little over a month now that I’ve been talking about going on this “bike trip.” The whole bike trip in itself is an odd deal… It all started with one day me feeling an overwhelming sense of “what in the heck am I doing in this world, or with my life?” Which then immediately lead to me asking that very question to God. Conventional wisdom from people like my dad has been pushing me towards “hey just get a job at McDonalds go to school for a while, learn a trade and make a good living” where as something inside me has been poking back with “hold strong, keep running your business and when the time comes that you need it, the money will be there.” Ok, so I’ve been holding strong, I’ve been building my business… or at least trying. I’ve spent countless hours, and small fortunes in establishing myself… and guess what I’ve got to show for it…. nothing… I can count the number of orders that have been placed on my website on a single hand, heck I don’t think I really even need half a hand to count all the orders. After a while conventional wisdom begins to creap in… these seeds sown by my father and some others about what I’m doing being irresponsible, lazy, and worthless start to flower. So that night in a rather depressed state I asked very directly for God to show me in a physical way which path I should take, and in fact I gave God almost 2 weeks to answer. Less than 6 hours later I had it… and it was exactly what I had asked for showing me to stay the course and continue doing things the way I am…

Where does the whole bike trip fit in though? That’s an odd one as well. When I asked God to show me some sort of sign as to what I needed to be doing with my life I lumped together staying at home and running my business with a minimum 500 mile bicycle trip across Missouri… why? uh… I don’t know. It’s actually been something that I’ve wanted to do for some time, but I wanted to do it on the Katy trail the whole way… I didn’t want to start from my house, ride to the Katy trail, ride the Katy trail, and come home the same way…. that’s insane! But for some reason that’s what I said for this one. The original plan was to leave the Sunday after the Leadership Summit, upon telling Jordan about the plans he said that he would love to come as well if I gave him a little more time…. What he needed was to get another paycheck from Reece and Nichols which required that he made a couple of websites. I offered to completely design and build the websites for him along with optimize them and do everything necessary for him to get paid… he agreed and it never went anywhere… All I needed was FTP access and the sites hosted, and it never happened. Tired of waiting I decided to just go alone again. One of the big reasons why I even agreed or wanted Jordan to go with me is because one of the themes at the Leadership Summit was that of not fighting this fight alone… being that Jordan has always been one of my closest companions I really think that we work well together… what I fail at he succeeds, and vis versa.  So it only made sense that this discovery journey I was taking before leaping out to follow God’s direction of sticking it out with my own little business would be taken with someone that I work so well with.  Never the less I couldn’t wait any longer for this so I was to set out alone again.  Within a matter of days I get a call from Jordan asking if I was still planning on going, and he said he could go… He had gotten fired from his job for putting family and this “church thing” above his job (he was working for our Uncle Guy and he’s a little crazy).  This was great news!  I wasn’t going to have to go alone, and we could have a great devotional time as we traveled across Missouri on bike.  Now Jordan has gone and signed up for a Quintiles study so once again I will be going alone.  The odd thing is that I was to leave last week… however God in his infinite wisdom plagued me with customers on my website (here’s a site that has been dormant for some time all of a sudden gets tons of customers right when I want to head out).

As I understand it from several events that have occurred what God wants to teach me is to trust him completely, and with no strings attached, and that it isn’t good to go alone.  The second part has been made even more clear with Jesse coming into my life.  I think one of the common topics that always comes up is how we’re both “willing to walk alone until God brings someone else, if he brings someone else to walk with us.”  maybe not word for word that, but it often comes up… ironically just about everything that we’ve talked about along those lines the other of us could be that person.  When it comes to trusting God he has been so amazing this last month with finances that there is no way I couldn’t trust him in that respect.  Every time I’ve looked at my checking account and said “woops… I forgot about that one” there is a random purchase on my website that fills in the gap just about to the dollar.  I’ve come to grips with the fact that I’m never going to have an over abundance of money in my life, and that’s fine.  I’m also slowly coming to grips with the fact that there probably won’t be a spare dollar until the very moment I need it… So the question is if I’ve already learned these lessons why am I still going?  Besides the fact that it is something that I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years now… I made a promise that if God gave me the sign to stick it out and run my business I would take some time off to unrestrictedly follow Him and spend time in his word… I think it’s more about the promise I made to God now than anything… Don’t get me wrong the idea of being out far away from all the distractions that keep me from reading His word as often as I should is great… but the idea of going without “proper supplies” and some sort of emergency food source scares the crap out of me.  God has been very generous to me lately so I’ve got spare money to stop and eat along the way… the problem is on some of the routes before I make it to the Katy Trail there are spurts of 50 - 60 miles between towns… That’s a long way to go before being able to stop for… well anything!  So maybe there is still a lot of room for me to grow in the trust area with God… The biggest thing I’m struggling with now is that the whole trip has just become my stubborn pride pushing me to still go when I really shouldn’t.  I’m afraid that if it is my pride that is taking me on the trip now that… well it’s going to sound silly… but I’m afraid that God won’t take care of me because it’s not what he wants… of course it is a ridiculous notion… I think I’m going to just have to grin my teeth, close my eyes, take a deep breath and leap out to watch what amazing things God does.

Despite the fact that I’ve had to delay my bike excursion for one more week this week has been fantastic!   First off I got a kitty!  The kitty is great, she’s really adjusting to the new home and is getting to fighting the dogs and stuff so she’s been great.  I could go on forever about how great the new kitty is… but that’ll be some other time.  For now be satisfied to know that her name is Hiei (pronounced he-ay) it’s a Japanese word that means hidden shadow!  And she is to become a ninja kitten in due time.  It has also been great that my business is growing and surviving on its own… which is still all good and fun… but not the best part of this week.

The best part of this week came also with a blindside to my priorities.  Still living with my mommy, and working at home doing something that pays rather well I’ve never had to put much priority on anything other than my little business, myself, and entertainment for myself (computer games mostly).  God does fit in there somewhere too…. I’d love to lie and say he’s at the top of the priority list, but I’ve gotten into the habit of being rather honest on here, and lets face it I don’t make as much time for God as I should… especially seeing as I have all the time in the world to do basically whatever I want.  Most of the time after working on the website, or saturating my mind with the numbing effects of working on chainmail for several hours I’ll hop online and play some games to destress, or regain consciousness.  Believe me if you’ve ever sat around for 8 hours putting ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring, after ring onto a piece of chainmail (be it a necklace or a full shirt) you’ll know what I mean about losing consciousness.  I’ve found something else, much better than video games this week however to keep my mind occupied.

I always used to make fun of Jordan when we started up a game of CoH or WiC where you rely on your teammates 100% and he’d get called by his woman (as I often referred to her just to tease him I’m not sexist it was just fun to mess with him… I’d never say it to her). I’d get kind of frustrated with him since I was losing because he couldn’t concentrate… I’ve been more distracted this week than he’s ever shown… not in a bad way either; good distractions.  It sounds absolutely silly for me to say it now, but I’ve been waiting for 2 months for the game World in Conflict to come out (played the Beta 2 months ago and fell in love, since then have become addicted… until recently).  WiC was the greatest game for relieving stress because I am freaking good at it!  It’s a strategy game that I can just manipulate to my likings.  I can join a losing team and lead them to victory most any time because I’m good at organized attacking.  Anyways, I seriously played the game all the time… it officially came out Tuesday (mind you I had it pre-ordered 2 months in advance).  Now I wouldn’t mind getting my money back for it… because it’s not as good in the full release?  Absolutely not, it’s much better with many more maps which makes it much more exciting and engaging.  Thing is it went from being high on my priority list to dropping off the radar screen.  Thing is I only play games on the comp to get away for a while, some entertainment, and a little relaxation… that was replaced this week :-D  Now I have to say I don’t even understand why Jordan would stay in game to play with me… distracted as he might be, while talking to “his woman”  haha I can say that because she’s not really his anymore, they’re on a break right now… but looks to be breaking up… but anyways you guys don’t need to know all that.  Actually my distraction started as a MySpace friend request.  A girl from our church found me on MySpace (not that I knew it was her at the time, I was actually quite confused as to who it was when I saw the request).  We talked back and forth on MySpace for a couple of days and filled up each others pages with comments before starting to talk on YIM.  The freetime I’ve had where I’m not doing work for my business I’ve spent talking with her, and it has been great!  In fact tonight we’ve talked for nearly 8 hours straight now!  It’s been a great conversation the whole time though, we’ve talked about everything from her kids and how she’s raising them, to our lives, and pack rat natures.  I can’t even begin to put down how great it has been either… I love solid engaging conversations, and this has most definitely been that.